my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
recently i had the opportunity to watch an episode of the hit tv show pokemon. in the particular episode that i viewed, pikachu was severely depressed and down in the dumps in a red wine and quaalude sort of way. he was in the hospital because he got his shit waxed by this other mean pokemon whose name escapes me at this point. oh! it was a raichu, the more advanced form of a pikachu. ash (who is pikachu's "trainer") and the others were trying to cheer pikachu up by telling him it wasn't that bad, but it was, and pikachu would have none of it. well, i'm not too sure as to what happened next, but somehow pikachu realized that sitting in his hospital bed like a old cripple wasn't going to do it for him on that friday night, so he leapt out of bed and disappeared into the forrest. the next thing you know, pikachu snuk up on the raichu while he was draining his lizard behind the pokemon barn and did a lightning bolt and beat the living shit out of raichu and left him prick-out and bloodied in the woods.
the moral of this story is this: take it easy! don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.
posted by scarnsworth at 1:18 PM

 
ok, dammit. i've had just about enough. today is thanksgiving, and because it's thanksgiving i'm visiting relatives. and i'm thinking about things and comparing things from then with those from now. in doing so, i've realized that i am tired of some shit. quite a bit of shit, actually. here is the shit scoop: i'm tired of eating a soft-boiled egg for breakfast every morning. i'm tired of being so cold that i think my bones are made out of metal. i'm tired of everything being gray all the time. i'm tired of eating the last slice. i'm tired of driving by cars on the expressway at night and thinking that i see skeleton hands gripping their steering wheel. i'm tired of shitting blood. i'm tired of these braids. i'm tired of paying attention to that bullshit in the middle east. i'm tired of tylenol pm. i'm tired of quiet. i'm tired of the possibility of ghosts. i'm tired of meals that cost less than a dollar. i'm tired of my broke bike. i'm tired of empty hallways. i'm tired of yardly being gone.
that's all i can think of right now. those are the things that i'm really tired of and so they spilled out first. you can bet your ass there's tons more. these are just the things i'll go about tackling straightaway.
oh, and by the way, i'd like to welcome kennie bloggins to the ocean chum blog.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:05 PM

 
I hadn't bathed in four days, and when I arrived at my parents' house for the holiday I was met with a sight that sent my soul spiraling downward. My mother had just arrived from the supermarket and had picked up Angel Soft toilet tissue. My anus cringed as I envisioned the chafing of my rectal area that would occur sometime before the noon hour.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:07 PM

 
my good buddy lew came over to walk my dog for me again today. i think he has a crush on me still, but i let him walk the dog anyways. some people may say that i am using him, but those people can go to hell. come to think of it, i went for a walk too right after lew brought barker back from the country. it was crunchy outside again, and i thought i smelled somebody burning a pile of leaves or something. too much. so i grabbed a grape nehi and took a swig or two. as the luscious liquid moistened my lips and the inside of my mouth and then my esophogus and stomach (and it will eventually come out my pisspipe in the future) i heard a noise. i turned around quickly and saw my most hated enemy: a bird. i rapidly picked up a stick and threw it at this feathery quail, and i guess it was too dark and windy cause he took off with a chirp as the stick sailed past. i had missed, but i ended up killing some goddam brown squirrel instead. oh well, that's the way shit stinks some days. as i walked on i couldn't shake the feeling that either someone was watching me or following me. i've been seeing ghosts lately in my bathroom before i turn on the lights and disembodied heads looking at me when i turn around quick. i think it's a omen. it's like i'm dying or something.
posted by scarnsworth at 3:57 PM

 
the other day something scary happened to yours truly. i was sitting outside next to a old dirt road. it was dusk. no, scratch that; it was past the point of dusk and on the cusp of nighttime. i had just eaten a few candies and was contemplating my next move when, all of a sudden, the icy wind picked up and the sun completely extinguished itself on the horizon making everything pitch black. dead leaves were whirling around making crunching noises -- haunted noises. i gazed towards the heavens as the polar zephyr caused two tiny tear droplets to squirt out of my eyes. then out of nowhere i hear this whistle. not like an ordinary whistle, on the contrary it was a whistle to silence all other whistles. i did not know from whence it came, and dear god in heaven i wish that i had never had the supreme misfortune of finding out.
posted by scarnsworth at 1:45 PM

 
yardly was my snake. what a great snake he was! alas, i had to set him free, for his moods turned sour from living with me. i realized for the young snake to truly be happy, he must be a snake of the yard, not a snake of my house. one steely gray day when it looked like it was going to rain but it didn't, i took him out to the ditch and flung him out of the chick-fil-a napkin that he liked to call his nest. i could see my breath as he wriggled through the bulrushes, and when he tossed his head back and thrust his pronged tongue into the chill air, i couldn't help but shudder. that little motherfucker. i love yardly. i love that old fucking snake.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:12 PM

 
the horse that i have races like lightning. his name of course is Horser.
I made the best cream of squash and corn soup.
he used to like to take the jet stream home.
testing one two three.......................................................................
posted by scarnsworth at 3:19 AM