my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
i can't rest. it's the worst in the afternoons when i come home from work tired. i have soup lunch with wheat crackers and a piece of candy that i got for christmas as dessert then i fade into one of those things like a nap. one of those where it's like someone is smothering me with a soaking wet towel and i'm about to lose consciousness but i'm still awake and thinking. those are where the dreams come in like stink. this afternoon (in the dream) i was about to have coffee and a cookie at a cafe, but it was hard to breathe and i had this huge lump in my throat. an old friend was supposed to meet me there but hadn't arrived yet, and i was trying to read a newspaper but couldn't concentrate. my friend wasn't coming. then i saw my old snake yardly in the chair opposite me and he died. then i looked at the man at the table next to me and noticed he was dead and stinking too. he was wearing a sweat-stained brown suit, and he didn't have a forehead. then everything got so gray i couldn't see, and i vomited a capful of bile on my plate bloody and my eyelids swelled up. i woke up sweating and it was so fucking hot and thick and it was dark already. when is that new yo la tengo record coming out again? i can do without januaries.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:10 PM

 
Introducing:::: special guest blog by Don Stallione
My girlfriend said that we needed more intimacy in our relationship, so I said that I would be more intimate if she would suck my cock more frequently....I mean, at the very least, there would never be more than six inches separating the two of us. I mean, how much more intimate can you get than that...Well, maybe if she rammed her fist up my ass! Well, moving on.

posted by kenniebloggins at 1:40 PM

 
my girlfriend told me i should exercise more. that was in october. i'd been doing sit-ups and push-ups off and on since then, but she got me a locker at the Y for christmas, so i started doing laps every other day. then around mid-january i realized it was bullshit to swim just because she told me to. christ, i needed to show some balls, some self-respect; no, i needed some fucking self-posession. fuck swimming laps -- which is why i did it every single day. i wasn't doing it because she told me too, and i sure as hell wasn't doing it because i wanted to get fit. the act itself was meaningless. everyone knows that nothing consumes time like meaningless acts, and i was trying to kill days. (didn't say that swimming didn't have purpose.) after the Y, i was at the bus station in my navy winter coat, waiting, stinking yellow like chlorine, watching this homeless guy wrap grimy newspaper around this leaky wound on his hand when i smelled something soft. there was a girl on the bench who's hair smelled like snuggle with smooth black cotton pants that fit like a fucking sheath. she was yelling at some asshole. the yelling was in french, so i felt further removed from the sitch and started to get hard. then my bus pulled up and i left them. later that night after we ate some stew, my girlfriend and i went for a walk in the cemetary. i hadn't showered so i still stank of chlorine, and it was so cold you could see our breath. it was coming out in short tufts. we were fucking on the cold hard grass, and my girlfriend was crying. they don't call it the bone-yard for nothing.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:55 PM

 
The stabbing pain stayed in my side during the first half-mile of the run. The combination of vegetable tamales and fried tostones I had eaten for lunch over four hours before at the newly-opened Pollo Loco establishment in my neighborhood was keeping me down, but I decided to suck things up, rub some dirt on it and keep at my New Year's fitness regimen. Although I felt pretty awful, the thought that I had true grit enough to continue my run gave me a deep sense of satisfaction. I could not even begin to hide my grin as I passed a couple of fat kids on scooters. At the mile mark, my stomach lurched and the pain resigned itself to submission. I was flying, in charge of my run. My thoughts began to soar with the possiblitiy of what I could accomplish. Not next week, not next year, not when I finished my degree- but today (or at least that's when I would actively begin realizing my potential.) I then imagined what my first accomplishment would be. It would be the invention of a card game like no other. A card game that elderly gentlemen will pause momentarily from picking at the hair/wax buildup in their ears to tell their grandchildren about. The kind of card game that's fun, not only for the participants but also for those lucky enough to witness the spectacle.....One that mixes the excitement of trading baseball cards with the full-on fervor of a bunch of retarded nannies on sherm at a Saturday night bingo shootout at the local VFW. The kind of card game that makes a man grab his genitals, slice his anus with a letter opener and pour habanero sauce in the wound while simultaneously taking a leap from the roof of the Dollar General and screaming at the top of his lungs,"THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME. SO LONG SWIZZLESTICK, Yr. FUCKED AS LONG AS I"M IN CONTROL HERE! ONCE MY CARD GAME TAKES OFF, I'M MOTHERFUCKING UNSTOPPABLE."
All of a sudden, I was whisked back to reality as I crashed into the stopsign on the corner. My head cracked against the curb and I could feel the coppery taste of my blood as my stomach went queasy. All of a sudden, I heard a group of children laughing. I couldn't believe what I saw- a group of fat kids of various sizes, all on scooters. They quit laughing and their eyes all oddly resembled Hershey's kisses as they began to circle me and come closer. I screamed....
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:00 PM

 
a had a night of quiet desperation this past eve. the power was out, and my heater was busted, so i spent four hours trying to read the great gatsby by the light of my oil lamp. i finally gave up right after nick and jordan played tennis. the continual flow of ice cold mucous from my nose had become too annoying to bear, and i surrendered myself to the downy folds of dreamland USA hoping to bypass this despair with the advent of dawn. after several hours of a fitful sleep, i awoke to a stark chill creeping up my spine and beads of sweat compounding on my brow. there was something in my room. i could feel a thing watching me from the corner. i couldn't hear it, but i could smell it. it smelled like a corpse. i knew that something had come for me. i opened my eyes and scanned the room. yes, there it was. a mass blacker than all the shadows, crouched in the corner staring at me. with a start it lept from the corner and covered my face with an oily sack-cloth. i could feel the coarse hair that covered it's body and it's stick ribcage scratching up against my naked chest but only for a moment, for it was then that i swallowed so much of my own blood that i blacked out.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:28 PM

 
This weekend was my most sober in recent history. No drunken rantings, no hardons poking through the bottom of nightshirts, no 3:45 a.m. booty calls received, and finally no blood or vomiting. The movies I saw were all quite enjoyable and the party I attended entertained some really cool beatnick cats, some of whom were in musical groups, while others had ventured the seas from regions as far away as Africa. I came home early and couldn't even find a lively program on any of the Cinemax channels to which I subscribe. It was too late to watch any Reality Television, so I made myself a cheese sandwich on Masada Organic 6 Grain Bread with yellow mustard and Kroger hamburger pickle slices. I toasted the bread before making the sandwich and the snack was quite enjoyable. I was too tired to watch the Battle Royale dvd I had rented, but not tired enough to go directly to sleep. I turned my digital cable to the lite jazz channel and closed my eyes, thought of unspecified exotic islands and their inhabitants as I began to rub one out under the sheets. Oh, what a sweet way to end one's otherwise noneventful weekend...
posted by kenniebloggins at 8:55 PM

 
saturday night! cool. this afternoon i was giving myself a long hard look in the mirror, and i realized that my eyebrows are really brown and smooth. and they look like they're manicured even though i never touch them except to smooth them out more. then i started looking at the other hairy parts on my body and noticed that the hairs on my belly have spored out during the winter, and now i have a veritable tokyo of hairs around the place where my umbilicle cord used to be. during the summer when i was drinking beers at the pool i only had a few. that was emasculating. shit. well, everyone knows that you can't look at your own naked flesh and hairs for very long before it makes you want to fuck someone. i find it comparable to watching an episode of 'emeril' on the food network and deciding it's time for dinner. it made me need to find an escape hatch or a release valve or an off switch or something. i pulled a cool one out of the fridge and strutted around to my 'cat scratch fever' record for a little while. then i climbed up to the roof and laid on my back until i went to sleep.
posted by scarnsworth at 7:43 PM

 
my brain just farted. haha, gross! no, just kidding. i took my baby nephew to meet my girlfriend in the woods. she was sitting on a stump like always and the spiders had made a gossamer webbing that was spun from tree to tree everywhere. it shewed the dew off nicely on account of how it was early in the morning and the sun was making it glint. my girlfriend was beautiful in her periwinkle satin gown with her gold pearl earrings and her necklace, and she didn't look at all nervous on that stump when i brought my little baby nephew over to her. she spread her legs wide open and said, "here's my hymen, little baby. that means i'm not ready to make one of you little things come out the inside of me, but i will be soon. when your big strong uncle here squirts off inside me." i said for her to shut up and not to use language like that around a child, and she giggled like a baby, like my nephew. after that escapade we tried to catch our lunch, but we had trouble getting our worms on the fishing hooks when their guts came out cause we were too busy eating cottage cheese on top of a egg sandwich.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:00 AM

 
The Quincy's was a pretty depressing sight to behold on Christmas day. A few small families, mostly one or both parents and a couple of small children sat and munched on dinner rolls and turkey legs (the parents), while the small children dipped chicken fingers into tiny piles of ketchup. I ordered the buffet and a diet coke (I was trying to keep my weight down for the Combines) but then I though that sounded ridiculous and changed my order to a dr. Pepper. The dirty-blonde waitress with smoke stained teeth, who appeared to be in her mid-thirties, eyed me suspiciously. I shrugged it off and headed to the buffet line. The smorgasbord was pretty fucking awesome, but not as great as the meal my family would be eating in just a few hours. I piled three plates high with food and had to get a busboy to help me out. I fixed a plate full of turkey, rolls and stuffing and one with assorted vegetables (turnip greens, green beans, new potatoes, broccoli casserole, squash casserole, beets, brown rice, corn and a sweet potato. On the third plate, I made a humongous salad with cherry tomatoes, bacos, cheddar cheese, cucumbers, croutons (the black kind) and topped it of with three-quarters of a bottle of ranch dressing. I had puked shortly after my pre-game breakfast of 5 pancakes, thre eggs, hash browns, coffee and orange juice (the meal and the puking were both pre-game rituals). I also had two bowls of soup- one beefy vegetable and one chicken noodle. I promised myself to save room for dessert. With the busboy Vernon's help, I made my path to my table and promptly began feasting. I ate with unrealized fervor and sweat poured from my forehead as I plowed through the turkey like Jim Brown hittin the opposing line. Silverware flew and my fingers tore at the bird as I flew through the meal. I ate like I had never eaten before. A small crowd formed around me and watched me celebrate Christmas solo. People began bringing plates of hotwings and jello salad. The crowd was completely in awe of my efforts. Finally, the manager came and tapped me on the back of the helmet. His name tag read GREG and he had wispy dark brown hair and buckteeth. He was about four inches shorter than me but outweighed me by a good 80 lbs. "Sir," he said," you'll have to stop what you're doing. Greg spoke with a lisp which didn't quite match his stature. " You're causing a scene, sir." "What scene," I managed between bites. A piece of jello fell from my cheek as I responded. " I just want to eatch Christmas dinner like everyone else." "Well sir, could you please remove your football helmet and shoulder pads while doing so. That's what's causing the scene." In my hurry to devour my dinner, I hadn't realized that I was sitting amongst strangers, who were cheering me on, fully geared up for the Blue-Gray Classic. I felt at once embarrased but completely empowered. "Fuck off," I said to cries of "Bring him some banana pudding."
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:57 PM

 
terrence rode his bike over this afternoon and we went and smoked a joint on the roof. i always like to do that especially in weather like this because it's so cold and that makes the smoke go down cleaner. after that we popped in an old vhs copy of "let's get harry" which is this movie about some guy named harry who gets taken hostage by some guerillas, and his old college buddies have to save him. at least i think that's what it was about. i got distracted halfway through because terrence was trying to feed yardly (my snake) a grasshopper that he caught. i told him to get the fuck away from yardly, and he was like, "chill." i took it down a notch and made us a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches and then tina and jackie came over and we went to mark's house because they were watching joe millionaire over there and they were also drinking some coronas.
posted by scarnsworth at 4:16 PM