my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
Last night the world exploded about 10 million times as little pains hit like icepick shots to my forehead. I covered my eyes (suspended disbelief) and pretended to be dead for a brief moment, but of course I wasn't. I uncovered them and looked around, noticing everything was the same except for me.
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:20 PM

 
i just saw this video i made over two years ago. in it, there are snakes, goats, and donkeys. also two pantomimes who mime a homicide.
in other news, here's a play:
gert: hey! fritz!
fritz: hey!
gert: what's up?
fritz: nothin'. (casually)
gert: don't you have that cool job?
fritz: no.
gert: yeah, what is it that you do?
fritz: i record things. it's boring.
gert: oh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~fin!~~~~~~~~~~~~
posted by scarnsworth at 2:26 AM

 
here's the deal. i waltzed into a restaurant bathroom equipped for two the other morning. 5:45am to be precise. there's a man already in there who says with a big grin, "come on in. there's room for one more." well shit. he's finishing up washing his hands, so i went in to drain the lizard at the urinal. well, he leaves and i heard him say something to the guy at the door behind me. sounded like, "room for one more in there!". everything's cool. then, before i know it, he's back in there -- same guy -- blowing his nose or something. what the fuck? he broke in line to come back in there and blow his nose? i was confused so i got the hell out of there. i don't like to be confused about what other people are doing whilst my dick is out. it reminds me of this time when i was in the bathroom and some hobo comes up behind me, wringing his hands together on some grimy ass napkin. "hey, you tryin to look at my prick? huh?" i shouted in my best southie (boston) accent. turns out he was, and the rest as they say folks is yesterday's papers.
posted by scarnsworth at 12:11 AM

 
Yesterday was fabulous because I had the opportuity to gorge myself at my all-time favorite restaurant. Not only was my trip to Red Lobster quite fortuitous (because my companion on this dining outing and I had initially settled upon an Italian restaurant)but the timing was also very amazing. Many people think of yesterday as NBA All-Star Sunday or the 4th day of the Orange Terror Alert, but I like to remember yesterday as the Final Day of Shrimpfest 2003 at ye olde Lobster Hut. After inquiring about the 35-minute wait and the $13.95 base participation price, Chris and I decided to suffer through our hunger pains.
We ended up having to wait a mere 15 minutes to be seated by our server Trey.Trey had wavy dark brown hair with too much pomade and a pair of unstylish hoop earrings. Trey's 5'9 build supported a burgeoning waistline. With the signature Red Lobster Hawaiian fish print shirt, Trey looked like the type of dude who spends his leisure time selling his possessions out of the back of a red 1980's conversion van with tinted windows and an outdated out-of-state license plate. He situated us in the smoking area at a table suited for five. As it turned out, we needed every inch of available space to complete the meal. This was due not so much to our ability to engulf tremendous quantities of shrimp at one sitting as to Trey's inability to clear the table of our cleaned plates.
Trey came over to the table and said, "Okay here's the deal. You can have shrimp four ways:fried, scampi, popcorn-but don't get that because it's cheap and you get ripped off, or shrimp pasta. You get a side, a salad and cheddar bay biscuits and I'll put in an initial order of 30 shrimp for you guys. I'll go ahead and ask what you want your next 10 to be, because orders take 5 to 7 minutes to complete. You'll want either fried or scampi first, because the pasta will fill you up and you won't get your money's worth. Also, don't eat too many biscuits because they're bad for you." I attempted to juggle the mass amount of information and then decided on the fried and scampi for starters, with shrimp pasta as my main course. Chris decided upon a double order of fried shrimp and then mimicked my pasta order for seconds. In the meantime, Trey brought us a couple of rounds of Diet Cokes. He also brought our Caesar Salads with glop that sort of resembled Caesar dressing. We hurried through our salads, making smalltalk and whatnot. Finally, Trey brought the first round of shrimp. Both the fried shrimp and the scampi were as wonderful as I had imagined. I finished my initial 30 with no problem. The baked potato was small and not at all as tasty as I would have liked it to have been, but when one is presented the opportunity to feast upon a quartet of shrimp delicacies, who can really care too much about a mere potato. The shrimp pasta turned out to be spaghetti noodles and baby boiled shrimp, topped with alfredo sauce. To be quite frank, the pasta was GROSS! Chris managed his way through the pasta, while I picked out and munched upon a few of the shrimp. I put in another order for fried shrimp, and five minutes later, they were in front of me. By this time, I wasn't all that hungry any more. In fact, I didn't really feel too well. Chris was ready to throw in the towel at that point, but Trey, being the humanitarian that he was, brought Chris another order of shrimp. I was finally able to muster the will to down my portion, but Chris only glanced at his before asking for a to-go box for the remainder of his pasta. Trey wasn't really supposed to allow us to take festival shrimp from the premises, but I already covered what a nice guy he was and all, so chris didn't really have to ask as Trey quickly offered the box. Chris told me that he didn't plan on taking his fried shrimp with him, so I grasped the opportunity to down five or six more before the festival ended. Trey brought us the bill and we paid up and each of us left him a three-dollar tip. We bid our goodbyes to Trey and to Shrimpfest as we, pleased as punch and without a care in the world, headed home in Chris' minivan.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:00 PM

 
this is the greyest winter on record if i'm keeping the books and i am so thanks a lot and deal with it. i've been doing good. today was a big day for me because i had my big interview. this morning after i took my shower i put a little pommade in my hair so as to smooth it down a little, then i put on my warm brown suit with the green tie that matched. i had corn flakes for breakfast and then i had some toast too because i was nervous and i thought that if i had two things for breakfast my stomach would settle down and i could think clearer when i was being interviewed. the cereal was dry, but i put some berries in the flakes to make them flavory. after the interview i went to the ol' public library where i was reminded me of this book i read recently wherein the author describes two characters at different points in the book to be wearing "grubby sweaters." i didn't finish the book, but rest assured my warm blanket companions, that is an image that will remain with yours truly for the rest of his days.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:56 AM

 
My cold has worsened. Last week, I kept noticing a sickly taste in the back of my throat, and now the whole situation has heightened to a new level. My head throbs and the warm mucous in my nostrils feels like warm, liquefied cafeteria french fries, which is truly gross. So gross that I had to pass on the pommes frittes that were offered to me last night. And lord knows how much I enjoy french fries.
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:42 PM

 
life is like taking a bite out of something revolting whilst in a fancy restaurant. you want to spit it out, but o what a mess it will make.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:30 PM