my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
this morning when i flipped on the ol' boob-tube my mouth moistened with delight for stephen king's movie "the pet semetary" was being shown on the usa cable network. every cillia-like hair on the epiderm was erect with anticipation as i sprang to my horse and made it gallop with all of the fury of it's soul and tendrils down to the local chevron where i was able to buy a goodly amount of pabst to enable the viewing. i emerged from the purchase only to became aware of the fact that a couple of greasy bums had they eyes on my steed, but when i hopped on him side-saddle and pulled the leathery bridle, horser neighed with anger and the poor, hapless freight-hoppers tumbled higgledy-piggledy down into the ditch. victory! then it was back to the apartment to give myself a little respite from the workaday week. i was all splayed out on the davenport smoking joints like it was the weekend as i watched king's meticulous horror of "the pet semetary" unfold before my eyes. without a doubt the scariest part of the movie is that macabre painting of a woman wearing a top-hat which eerily forshadows the sinister bloodlust of the killer-child gage come back from the river styx! a terror that wreaks the bones with it's sheer unrelentingness! also in the movie, the character that is played by herman munster gets sliced open in two of the weirdest and paper-cuttery places to get sliced. it's mornings like this that i am alive and waiting for. when god is benevolent enough to bestow with his majesty and grace a gift as great as this day, my soul cavorts with awe.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:06 PM

 
here's my problems:
i like the way my body smells on hot days, but i think that maybe other people don't, and i'm unsure what i should do at this stage of the game. should i try to mask the odor, or "unpleasantness" as passers-by are wont to call it? will i not be considered promotable by my supervisors because i don't feel the desire to smell any way other than the way i naturally do? do people whisper behind my back? and if they do, do they say, "my that's an appealing scent." or "whoa, what did he have for lunch?"
what do the girls think? do they have conversations with me because they notice it? or do they converse with me until they notice it? sigh. with the advent of warmer weather and shorter sleeves i'm going to be forced to make a move soon.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:56 AM

 
Letter to Trey (the friendly waiter at Red Lobster)
Dear Trey,
It is almost impossible to summon the words that are required to express the gratitude owed to you by my dining cronies and myself. I frequent restaurants on a near-daily basis, but I have yet to become accustom to the exquisite treatment that you offered us last Sunday during Lobsterfest. We had all come to enjoy the feast that would be fastened to the table in front of our eyes (the lone exception being Sean who ordered popcorn shrimp, and I already know how miserable a waste of time you find that choice to be), and I am sure of that. However, none of us really expected the level of service we received. We arrived at 1:30 p.m., right smack in the middle of the church crowd. The foyer area of the Lobster hut was riddled, for the most part, with small children playing, geriatric Sunday School parties and dudes looking to brighten their Sunday evenings by pleasing their dates with promises of crab legs and lobster stuffed mushrooms. We, on the other hand, had come to celebrate Lobsterfest for the first time. We knew there would probably be an hour-long wait at the very least. However, you were practically expecting us when we approached the hostess. "This is my call table," you said. I will always remember those very words and the look you gave us when you said them. The look allowed us to know that you were pulling one over on the management while giving us the VIP treatment, so to speak. Man, I really liked that look! Then you led us to the very table at which you seated Chris and I a month-and-a-half ago....You know the one in the corner of the smoking area. The one just under the large screen television. We didn't notice the television during our last visit because it was turned off. However, this time it was showing the men's SEC basketball tournament finals (Kentucky vs. Mississippi State). The fact that a major sporting event was being played made the seating arrangement even more special. Jeff and I were pretty stoked, but all Sean cares about is Fantasy Baseball and Chris, I'm sure, was still thinking of his hangover( we were all pretty hungover because we had been out getting drunk as fuck the night before, well I was less hungover because I had been getting into a type of trouble of a sort that you are probably pretty damned familiar with). The Lobsterfest menu, while replete with festive specials suited for this particular celebratory period, engendered decision-making that was much more difficult for me than Shrimpfest. During Shrimpfest, the major decision was pretty much which type of all-you-can-eat shrimp I was going to have the opportunity to devour for each course. Here, there was no all-you-can-eat option (and I guarantee that I would have immediately tossed my hat, if I were wearing one, in that direction). Anyway, I was a bit perplexed by the Lobsterfest menu. Jeff and Chris immediately decided on the steak and lobster ($24.95) option, and I've already discussed what a cheapass party-pooper Sean had turned out to be (note to self: never invite Sean to eat at any "fest" where taking part in the fest requires spending more than six bucks). It took me almost 10 minutes to make my decision. I was torn between the Ultimate Feast (Lobster, crab legs and shrimp) and Lobster in Paradise (lobster tail, mango salsa and coconut shrimp). I quickly came to the conclusion that there was no way in hell that I would be able to decide between these two luxury menu items. Therefore, I opted for your expert opinion. Man, you really made that decision in about two seconds. I remember your words exactly. "So, do you want to spend about two hours working on getting just a tiny bit of crab meat?" Fuck no I didn't. I ordered the Lobster in Paradise, the Caesar salad and a baked potato with butter and sour cream on the side. I would like to say the rest of the meal was as memorable as the portion that occurred prior to eating, but sadly it wasn't. We made trivial conversation, sorta watched KY beat MISS St. and Jeff was his usual crude self, with his beastworthy commentary that made me blush just a tiny bit. I must take partial reponsibility for coming up with the idea of wearing a lobstershell on my prick, but I never intended Jeff to relay this info to you. I was happy to see that you played along and even left the lobstershell on the table next to me until I declined your offer for a to-go box for it. (Note to self: never ever go to a nice restaurant like Red Lobster with Jeff). Well, we paid our bills, left what I hope you considered to be a handsome tip and bid our farewells. We plan to dine at Red Lobster at least once per month on Sunday, and hopefully, we will receive the same regal treatment about which Chris and I have become all-too copacetic. I hope this letter finds you in good health and of a strong, willful state-of-mind.
Until we meet again,
Mike (your loyal customer)
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:19 PM

 
it was about six-thirty, and the music was loudish. someone had cracked a cool one and the lights weren't bright inside just yet though the light outside had almost ceased to be. there were vegetables getting cut and the skins and throwaway parts were on the floor mostly even though she was trying to make them go to the sink -- to the garbage disposal. you could see a long long way when you looked out that window, and most of the sky was clouds that looked like a ginormous thing of dryer lint from that screen. we could hear each other talking at an even rate and tone and one of us was looking at the sky and there was pink in it too. it must've been an emotion-tugger or something scary looking so far like that cause she was misty-eyed. it wasn't monstrous or anything, maybe just a little forboding because it was uncertainty.
posted by scarnsworth at 8:18 PM

 
"i saw you at the drugstore on tuesday and your penis was hanging clear out of your pants and though the size and the shape of the genital was not at all abnormal, it made you look quite pitiful and like that of an idolator who's character ought to be questioned up and down."
posted by scarnsworth at 5:09 PM

 
jimmy carter believes a "peaceful solution is still possible."
bush tells carter, "go to hell, jimmy."
posted by scarnsworth at 5:05 PM

 
when i looked at everyone hard, just looked, i could tell that their clothes were dry, but i couldn't place a measure on their cleanliness. that's something that just goes unnoticed sometimes, save for wrinkly or smelly times. suddenly, everyone was thrown on the ground hard by centrifugal force -- sheer power. no one was trying to talk but i could feel my clothes getting wetter with sweat. sweater. god, the neck on my t-shirt was getting bigger cause the weight of the water was straining the fabric so much. my cheeks were shaking and the muscles in my upper arm were twitching with ache and my ass was so wet and sex. and the sweat was burning my eyes as things got claustrophobia-central when 200 people were so thick around me and it was so loud that i couldn't hear myself move. my teeth were loose in my gums, and i could taste my blood. it tasted so fucking good.
posted by scarnsworth at 7:24 PM

 
today is finally warm. i slugged on my favorite pair of shorts and relegated my socks to the mothball drawer for the summer as i slipped into last year's pair of smellyworn topsiders. when i walked outside the sun made it so light that i had to put on my red sunglasses and my shirt felt like it just came out of the dryer though it still smelled like my armpits. i walked past the postman who was now outfitted in his shorts as well as his summertime pith helmet. i waved and slipped the postcard to sarah into the mailbox. i had been working on the two-wheeler for months now, just tweaking out the glitches. i saddled onto it and pedaled like i stole something down to the pool where they were already cooking the shit on the grill. it was in the late afternoon like around 4:30 and everyone was trying to move to the places that weren't getting shadowy. everyone was clueless as to what the night held, but when frank kicked open the gate with his cutoffs and titty hat on whilst blowing his air horn, we knew that his case of PBR would most definitely not be enough. sometimes shorts can't be short enough. to the extreem.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:19 PM

 
i was waiting in line to take a shower. there were already two guys in the combo tub/shower, but the curtain was pulled back to make more room and the water was getting all over the floor. they were just getting clean -- no funny business. there was one other guy in front of me waiting to get in the shower. actually it was a toss-up as to who was going to get in next, but when one of the guys in the shower finished bathing and got out, and i pretended to be busy over a motor trend magazine so i could go last. being apart ain't easy on this love affair. then one of the guys in the shower started cutting his hair and it started splattering all over the place. on the toilet, on the tiles, into the other guy's mouth, the usual. it smelled like skin rippling with sweat and my blisters were stinging so bad and starting to turn, and i thought about my old job as peals of laughter echoed throughout the bathroom.
posted by scarnsworth at 3:38 PM

 
we all know what it's like to own a pet, don't we? i currently don't own a dog, but i've plans to in the future. i had to go to the grocery store today and ended up asking for my bags to be paper instead of plastic because i planned to wrap a present with the thickish brown meaty ingles paper sack. when i came home i ate a bowl of cereal like usual then put some sprouts on top of a piece of bread and ate that too. mmmmm... satisfied. then i did a couple of jumping jacks for physical fitness and because i was bored. you know when the grass is wet? that's what time it was then, and i went for a long walk for some air. there was a man dying next to a felled tree by the ditch, but the sun was going down and his features were getting grayish and hard to see. he was still breathing. i hurried home through a gust of mist and began wrapping that present with the brown paper bag. who's standing behind me? i know you're there.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:14 PM

 
i think so hard that sometimes i strain myself in my brain. there's this girl i saw who i thought was a lesbian, but she wasn't. she approached me like liquid, and i was so sexually attracted to her. i thought she looked bookly and smooth. she told me that i acted nicely and that she liked my well-fitting tie and pants. we talked and talked, and then we walked outside in the post-rain and had a bowl of noodles down the street. i wanted to ask her if she had ever seen pokemon, but she had to go somewhere, so i took it outside and looked skyward. she'll mail me, i'm certain.
posted by scarnsworth at 7:13 PM

 
been delving into my candy dish a little bit too much lately. not enough into my vitamin dish. i'm probably growing polyps somewhere. that's how i feel. but i'm keeping clean as i can -- clean as a whistle. last night i drove through the streets alone and looked in windows. i saw a pretty girl trying on bras in front of her husband because the lights were on inside and it was dark outside. then the light turned green, so i kept on driving and eating my warm food, just looking around -- you know, because the lights were nice.
posted by scarnsworth at 4:19 PM

 
Stallione #2: Dadadadum
When I was a wee lad, my mother fed us for an entire winter on nothing but frozen corndogs. When I would ask for something else, a meal a bit more refined perhaps, some cornedbeef hash or chopped suey, mother would respond rather succintly saying, "Hey kid shut the fuck up! Don't you know that we need the sticks for firewood."
Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll moving on..............
posted by kenniebloggins at 9:36 PM