my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
a couple more google searches that led people to oceanchum:
1. "play a game which looks after a baby"
2. "what baby looks like in the wound"*

*this search was done a disturbing number of times. for real.

posted by scarnsworth at 9:16 PM

 
men and women, this is bad. this is really fucking bad and hurty. i crying. everyone in liberia that has a machine gun and a flourescent fanny pack ought to not have that machine gun. why are they so fucking insane? and fashion conscious in a providence r.i.s.d. sort of way? will you take a nap? i am dying.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:44 AM

 
i'm going to do it today-- here are the most recent google searches that led people to oceanchum:
"families fucking each other"
"sucking off a homeless guy"
"i have never seen my hymen"
"shrimpfest alabama"

the end
posted by scarnsworth at 10:33 AM

 
hi everyone! i'm surprised today. surprised that i didn't cut my neck open when i was shaving in the shower this morning. this is because i had my last beer at 4am and found myself showering for work at 6:30am. now i'm at work. and i wish that i'd've cut my neck open when i was shaving in the shower this morning.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:27 AM

 
Things come full circle, especially when I have too many onions to eat in the later hours of the evening. It goes like this:
I had to go outside my classroom for a minute just as the second period kids were coming to class. I was distracted by a former student of mine in the hallway, and when I re-entered the room, two black teenage boys, one of which was new to my class and the other I was fairly sure I had never seen before, were squaring off and throwing jabs at one another. Two girls jumped in, and pretty soon the room was filled with flailing bodies. Desks flew and blood spattered. I tried to call for an administrator but no one would listen. A large round-faced boy disappeared behind my desk and I cried out. He popped up grinning and tossed something I couldn't really see in my direction as if he were tossing a single playing card. He repeated the motion twice more before I felt the pain in my shin. The boy laughed crazily, eyes dancing wildly with a grin that encompassed his moonpie facade. His faced turned yellow, and I looked down. Tiny innumerbale steel, or was it lead, javelins protruded from my bloody shins. The nausea hit and I began my fall. All around me the battle raged on.
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:11 PM

 
i like "isn't anything" better than "loveless."
posted by scarnsworth at 6:42 PM

 
whew! i must be the first to say that this weekend was the most marvelous of recent history! and it's true cause i checked the books! what can i say besides, well, dogs were captured, and i finally made it to the hills! my shirt still has a sweat-stain on the chest from where i perspired like a turkey all weekend long! (i'm beginning to feel a knot in my throat.) it made me so fucking thirsty.
posted by scarnsworth at 1:47 AM

 
I was on my daily walk at 6:20 in the early evening when, halfway down Boulevard, a white, late 80's Toyota Corolla with the passenger side caked to the windows in Georgia clay. I glanced at the car and continued with my walk. I was greeted by a raspy Southern, "Hey sexy." I chuckled and turned to the car, thinking one of my friends was joking with me. I was pretty wrong in my assumption. Four women were in the Corolla and I had never seen any of them before in my life. I was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least. The woman in the front had dirty, light-brown tousled hair and her face appeared to have some sort of smudge under her right cheek. She spoke to me saying, "You about the sexiest man I ever laid eyes on in my life. Come on over here sexy." I stopped and felt unable to move. I said nothing. The door opened and a seemingly-tall faux-tanned woman in her forties sporting one of the worst dark auburn dye jobs I have ever seen grace a mop of badly permed hair slid a long cut-off denim shorted-white sneaker-wearing leg onto the pavement. She was smoking a cigarette, and she encouraged me to come over. "What, are you afraid of too good of a time, sexy?" I said nothing. I was beginning to feel nervous but they would soon let me off the hook. Then the blonde berated me. "You scared little bitch queer? Little pussy. Little faggot pussy queer. Fucking queer." The car sped off with the women laughing as if Bob Hope had just told the world's funniest joke. My walk re-commenced and I thought of how I needed to get home to take a shower if I was going to make the 7:10 showing of 2 Fast 2 Furious
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:04 PM

 
I received four presents for my birthday and they were all very unique and special in their own way. For my 29th I received the following: (a) a shark's tooth necklace (b) an autographed copy of the Essential Rumi (autographed by Coleman Barks) (c) a dvd entitled "The Best of Comic View" and (d) a refrigerator magnet. It was a memorable day to say the least.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:29 PM

 
so i rolled up a piece of chewing gum in the foil wrapper and since it was actually two pieces of gum, and it was really delicious when i was chewing it, it turned out to be really juicy with my saliva. so when i slathered the foil paper around it, the juice really started to come out hard. i put it down in the cupholder with my change, and a man rode by in a truck. i just looked at him as i lit a cigarette. then i vomited.
posted by scarnsworth at 12:55 AM

 
all of a sudden trident piss tractor throat and meat. cornered in a tractor throat with skin napkin nipple taste. tractor skin simply corvette finding homeless tractor skin. ground tractor throat tongue meeting it.
posted by scarnsworth at 8:22 PM

 
lately i've been feeling the need to vomit. A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.
posted by scarnsworth at 6:35 PM

 
i want to wear daring underpants.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:33 PM

 
here's how the night went: six pm- ate tomato sandwich. six-ten pm- masturbated. six-fifteen pm- took a shower. six-forty-five pm- put on my sharp-as-fuck shirt and pants. six-fifty pm- stepped into dusk. the next thing you know i'm in my car going to pick up my friend. we smoked a joint as i drove to the megaplex at which we stood outside of and smoked a cigarette. then we talked about how awesome we were and how, if we had cooler hair, we would be extremely awesome. then we went to a party. which was a good party. everyone was dancing and some guy had lit a fire in the yard. i had myself a beer and a small smooch-fest with some girl. my friend decided to tell this guy that he rolls joints which "look like a baby's rig", so he was getting beaten by about four guys when i came in and whipped everyone's ass with a broomhandle. then my friend and i left, and we went and sat on top of a mountain at which point i vomited.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:54 PM

 
today i awoke with a start, for someone was rapping at my window. i leapt from bed, tossed the blankets and bedclothes hither and yon, and i rushed to see who it could be. but wait! in my drunkenness before bed i must've doffed all of my clothes and told my pyjamies to get thee hence! yes friends, i was standing the way the lord made me with my modest glory brandishing itself to the morning rays that slipped through my venetians! my heart was pounding furiously because of the twenty or so smokes i indulged myself in over the course of the previous evening and the several high-lifes that i quaffed! i was ostensibly erect! then i calmed down because i figured that whoever it was at the window would split if i waited long enough. then i slept a couple more hours.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:12 PM

 
my moustache is bristly.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:03 PM

 
my moustache feels bristly.
posted by scarnsworth at 1:07 AM