my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
one time this guy trying to describe a sound said, "it sounds like the wind blowing through the little wheats."
i don't think that anyone i've met has said anything mindblowing as that single sentence, and i give an "i'm sorry" to all i know who've said things to me in the past and read this - you lost the contest.
last night was fantastic as i was a contestant in an underpants only cereal fight. there were gingham underpants, gallons of sweat, and raisin brans from here until doomsday - under couches, in all the crannies, and even in the yolks of my eyes and bristles of my moustache. i thought that i was winning and it was in the bag, but then i got 'two scoops' right in the mouth and it was crumbly and hard to breathe plus a raisin in the nose and the celing fan fell down and there was blood on the gingham underpants and when i hit my funnybone on the fire poker i thot i might die. people get nervous sometimes and people get mad sometimes. it's weird that their chemicals can move that way so quickly.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:13 AM

 

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you, you have a long history of rising above adversity.  Recent adversity has led to questions about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage to attract a number of tourists and admirers.  And despite any setbacks, you can really cook a good meal whenever it's called for.  Good enough to make people cry.
face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

posted by scarnsworth at 8:49 AM

 
Oh by the way, for all you faithful triple velcro fans who are impatiently awaiting the arrival of your t-shirts, live cds, welcome mats and/or handbags, here is one that is sure to get you in all the good places. Your much loved Triple Velcro Performing Hilarity Action
Alliance has been asked to perform alongside early 90's alt-sensation King Missile at the Caledonia in Athens on April 16th. For those of you who don't know, King Missile fucking went off the roof with their "Detachable Penis" single and frontman (or King Missile himself) John S. Hall soon thereafter became a spoken-word legend alongside the likes of er, well, Maggie Estep, I think. So yes, King Missile, unlike fellow popular Boston alt-act Belly, is still alive and aging like most people. So there, you have it. I have successfully planned your night for April 16. MArk your palm pilots assholes. Just a promise...Triple Velcro promises to demonstrate why we're still No. 1 in the entire US of A. Triple Velcro 4-eva. Triple Velc is Number 1. Advance tickets can be purchased at Scarney's birthday extravaganza on Saturday along with Oceanchum lifetime passes, which are free after plopping down a mere 500 bones for an all-access Adult ID badge, which can also be purchased via check or cash in the palms of Rip or Yrs. truly on Saturday or any day hereafter. With this purchase, you also receive a coupon for one dollar off the $8.99 All U Can Eat Seafood Buffet at the Piccadilly Restaurant, conveniently located in the Georgia Square mAll in Athens. This offer is good until the fucking coupon expires. So, be sure to save yr. pennies!
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:54 PM

 
Recipe for success:
Fill one glass with the following:
1-2 parts Smirnoff Green Apple Twist fine drinking votka
2-4 parts tonic water
3 or so ice cubes
Shake until content and engulf.
Fucking pleasant!!!!
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:39 PM

 
A short review of my first dining experience at Bojangles (Covington, Ga.). It was a "to-go" order.
Reasoning: I was a little down due to some potentially bad news I received last night. The coffee at school tasted like warm mud and I had been gazing curiously at the new Bojangles which graces Hwy 278 for weeks. Plus, the website was cool.
Purchase: 1 egg and cheese biscuit and one order of Botato rounds.
Price: Approx: $2.14
Appearance: The scrambled egg hung on the outer corners of the biscuit, which had a more homemade visage than say a McDonalds or BK biscuit. The biscuit appeared to be extremely greasy (or sweaty), possibly even moreso than a Moe's burrito. The Botato rounds were a little larger than a silver dollar and much smoother than BK hash rounds and much more soothing on the stomach than the Mickey D's hashbrown deodrant stick. They looked kinda pretty, in that sorta-blanchy, tan hasbrowny way. I think there were maybe six Botato rounds, and the overall taste was enhanced by a healthy dose of ketchup.
Taste: Dee-lish!
Aftershock: I felt the need to wash my hands to rid myself of excess grease. I also wanted to wash my face and shower, but that wasn't really an option at the workplace. I felt surprisingly good after taking on such a large breakfast. I normally don't breakfast on weekdays and save up all of my excitemement for lunch, which I normally enjoy a great deal. However, by 11:00 am, my stomach didn't feel so great and I felt even worse after my light lunch consisting of a v'egg (vegan egg salad) sandwich with romaine lettuce on masada nine grain bread with miso tofu soup. Even 9 hours later, a rocklike mass has taken residence over my poor belly.
Was it worth it?: Yr. goddamn right, it was.
Further info: bojangles.com



posted by kenniebloggins at 6:19 PM

 
When Tibbot gets mad his ears flame or rather they turn the color of an overdone pinkbelly. His head begins to ache as if tiny men or possibly a cast iron colony of army ants are pushing put on his forehead. His thoughs blur and unimaginable ideas flash across his mind, one after the other. Tibbot tries to count to 10 or think of the ocean. He always says that he is thinking of the ocean when his significant other is asking what he is thinking about when they have thrust themselves upon one another in a heated lovemaking session. Tibbot usually quietens during these periods after a minute or so and his face, unbenounced to its owner goes almost completely blank. Sometimes Tibbot is thinking about the ocean and sometimes his mind wanders. His lover knows that Tibbot is lying, and that his mind is somewhere else wrapped up in some other fantastical, and possibly phantasmagorical, existence. Now, in his flashing anger, Tibbot thinks of the ocean, but it isn't working. He tries to concentrate on the minute at hand as his Beginner's guide to Zen encourages. Even more subdued themes begin to cross his mind..The new lacoste fall clothing line, the large rock he climbed yesterday and the seemingly endless rally he and his tennis buddy Asp exchanged last Thursday as burntbrown autumn leaved drifted down onto the greygreen rubico Center Court at the club as the smell of barbecue clung to the soft breeze. Tibbot finally slips his hound down the front of his trousers and begins to pleasure himself, his countenance blank, his anger presently forgotten.
posted by kenniebloggins at 9:53 PM

 
We sat around the living room smoking hydroponically produced reefer out of a homemade bong that was elegantly fashioned out of a plastic Geyser water bottle, the 32ouncer, until the early morning hours. Conversation was light as the new beautifully-orchestrated classic-sounding pop disc whose author's name I continue to forget, remember and forget once again. blended into a Wilco cd (I don't particularly care for Wilco and was pleasantly surprised to find out that Wilco wasn't too different from the pop cd that played first and was oh, so ear soothing). I still think it wasn't so much that I liked the Wilco cd but instead the reefer speaking. Somehow, larry thought it was the Darkness whose brilliant offering was in disc 2 of the disc changer. Well Stewey and a few of the other guys had several good guffaws about that one. "My god, what an idiot," said Stewey. " Who in their right mind would get Wilco confused with The Darkness? That boy's done up andgone and lost his goddam mine (Stewey liked to say redecky phrases such as "done up an gone," and "rite cheeeaer (right there). Bored with the now-starting conversation, I made my way to the kitchen to pick up the Milky Way bar that I had picked up at the conference the day before. On the way down the hall, Penelope smirked at me.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:15 AM

 
ok, so kenniebloggins and i are excited that all of you are reading and enjoying oceanchum. these are exciting times in our lives indeed! now i've never been one to beat around the bush, so i let me go ahead and get to the heart of the matter and straight to my point: we are about to make oceanchum a "pay site." 5 dollars a month or a mere 60 clams a year and you can continue recieving the insight and joy that we here at oceanchum provide for you. we do not know how, however, to actually make this site a "pay only" site, so you are going to have to give us the $$$ the next time you see us. we'll be in the hills.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:50 PM

 
here are some searches that led people to oceanchum recently:

1. what a fox looks like
2. bird looks like it is wearing a tie
3. cute baby dogs
4. women pictures at that when a baby come out of her Ass hole (sic)

those are the facts.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:44 PM

 
an excerpt

i'm still planning on sucking back a shot of nyquil when i get home tho. there's now a movie on tbs that has jared leto and danny glover in it. their car just crashed. oh my god, danny glover is in a precarious situation and jared leto is making things further precarious by trying to climb in a car that is hanging on a cliff. what is this movie called? i'll never know. ok they're both safe now. wait, i spoke to soon. now jared leto is hanging off a cliff by a root. oh guess who else is in it -- dennis quaid and the guy who played the sherrif in from dusk till dawn and also was in kill bill. interesting.

posted by scarnsworth at 5:41 PM

 
"stomachs growl." you will hear people say this sometimes, and you can confirm it's veracity by listening to your very own when it is unhappy. people don't say "lungs growl." lungs don't growl. i will clarify: lungs of most people don't growl. you can listen to your lungs all day, and not a growl will they make, but me on the other hand, my lungs they growl and growl. i think it is because they are upset that chunks of their meat are detatching themselves and making a midnight run for the hills outside of my body. escape from lungcatraz. is grey a good color? growly meat.
posted by scarnsworth at 4:34 PM

 
cab callaway told me a joke once. i don't like scatalogical humor.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:55 AM

 
Man, I need a break! Luckily, I do have one coming up next week. Otherwise I may implode in the workplace. One minute I would be in front of the class sparking discussions about the similarities of the protagonists in Stephen Cran'e "A Mystery of Heroism" and Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge" (I think the easiest point to distinguish is that both characters are about as lame as they come), and the next minute I would resemble what happened the time that I put a Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger still in its silvery/red foil wrapper in the ol' microwaving machine back in January of 1998 (it would be a month later at Arby's when I truly learned my lesson.) So, to cut things short, I'm heading out west to make my fortune and see where lady luck takes me. PArdon my regressive tendencies, but I would like, if you will allow me the pleasure, to further discuss Mr. Crane, who fell into the dark clutches of tuberculosis when he was a mere 28 years young. Many times, I am unable to truly identify with literary characters. However, the young soldier Henry in what is considered to be Crane's most masterful work, stikes a dear chord with me. At certain times in my life I have felt like running and have. Once, when I was six, I ran away from Christmas play practice at my church. I made into the big front yard before I decided to let my escape plans fall to the wayside. A friend of my mother's saw me peeking from behind a sapling and hauled me in to the kitchenette to further inquire about the matter. I feigned sickness, and the kindly woman showed her pity by phoning my mom. Boy, my mom saw through my scheme but picked me up nevertheless. I learned my lesson that day to the tune of staying in my room while my relatives visited. The way my mom saw it was that if I had been too ill to practice for the Christmas play, then there was no real need in infecting our relatives who had traveled from Calera, Al., to spend the day. So, yes, I do know what it means to wear a yellow mark upon my back and I don't like it one bit. So, it's not so much that I like or admire Henry, it's that I can feel a connection to him on a certain level.
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:51 PM

 
"the lascivious defense of marriage acts" is a movie about george w. bush's erotic investigations into, as the VHS box says, "what it is like when a man does it with another man." i haven't watched this one yet, but it looks pretty solid. expect a full review here, post-haste.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:28 AM

 
i just got done watching the shocking pseudo-documentary slash necrophiliac porn "skull and bones" about george w. bush's days at yale when he was in some sort of secret organization. awesome! a full review will be posted here later, so fret not!
posted by scarnsworth at 12:20 PM

 
fantasy corpse

when i was glancing through the anals (sp? nope.) of triple velcro's illustrious history, i found a flyer for a show we had last mother's day, and oh what a show it was! i can't scan the flyer, so i'll just post the lineup below. open the dike and let ol' memory river flood present moment village!

9:30p - fantasy corpse
10:00p - weird owl
10:15p - skeleton chef
10:45p - tripple velc
10:51p - donald cumsfeld
11:15p - quintessential testicle
11:30p - mcdonalds
11:36p - biskits-n-grady
11:55p - my uncle and his carbunkle
12:00a - act of defiance (8-year old NY hardcore via the Fl. panhandle)
12:06a - Captain D
12:15a - gorge bush
12:25a - pedanecrophile
12:30a - horny aquaman
12:35a - nurse the corpulent

posted by scarnsworth at 1:08 PM

 
Trouble is what trouble does, and if I had my 'druthers I'd stay out of it. Today, the rats have come in and refuse to stop knawing on my stomache lining. Everything oozes out of everywhere and my head feels as it's an extension of an alien body that has forced its way upon my shoulders. Get it off, yo.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:40 PM

 
I'm loose like lemonade, so I'm attempting this NOW!
The night was bad, the moon was yellow, and the leaves came TUMBLING DOWN....
The first night of the year/last night of last year was bad from the getgo. Starting the night off with a bottle of Hen and some Redbull makes for a long eve, to say the least. I'll skip all the boring stuff here and cut to the event that I will never forget. Okay, after getting drunk and acting foolish all night and kissing boys and a girl or two, Krog and I made our way to Beemer's afterparty. The scene was gross, to say the least. Nothing but old methheads and cough syrup addicts (not to mention a couple of clinically crazed women) who wanted nothing else in the wold but some liquor, a fuck and a fight (and did i mention there were only two women present)....So fast forward through keeping little Robinson from getting his head smashed in by some methhead and a couple of cool ones. I was lit to the gills, and it was time to ride. It was about 5:30 am when we left and when we rounded the corner of the house, we saw a tagedy in the making. One of the syrupies had passed out in his car with the keys in the ignition, the doors locked the car in park and his foot on the accelerator. Why the fuck was that guy planning to drive anyway would have been the question to ask, but no one was asking anyhting while smoke billowed from beneath the hood. Someone noticed that smoke was coming into the car, so everyone, including yours truly, began banging on the car and shouting. For a minute, everything was frantic. I thought to myself that someone should probably break a window, but little did i know that Jimbo had literally beaten me to the chase. All of a sudden, a concrete block smashed through the rear driver's side winow. I raised my fist in glory and shouted "Fuck yeah!" And why did I do this, you ask? Because it was fucking awesome. Glass shattered and after a short bout of everyone trying to figure out the next step, someone reached in and pulled the keys from the ignition. The driver was still passed out, but his brother reacted negatively to Jimbo's lifesaving decision. "Man," he whined. "My mom's gonna have to apy for this shit. That's her car." This guy was at least 30 years old. Jimbo just shrugged as I pointed out, "Hey, isn't that Booker in the car?" Jimbo had unknowingly saved his courgaeous hound, just as he had saved his friend Teabo. I turned to Krog and we both knew it was time to call it a night. We began our walk to the nearest Krystal.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:53 PM

 
i got into a little vandalism last night. nothing cool like graffiti art, just broke a couple windows and keyed a car. let me tell you what i've learned from this experience: IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. yes! nevermind that vacuum of guilt sucking at your pitch soul, oh no! for it feels the same as sticking your face too close to the drain-thing in the bottom of a hot tub! erotic! dangerous! motor cycle with no helmet-ish! i'm exhilarated and bedraggled. btw, vote for george bush when the elections come 'round! think on it: do you really want one of those messiah-nipple dems running your country (into the ground)? this is the oughts for chrissake, and you ought to give a fig about our nation's security! see you at the voting booth! wait, did i say "voting booth?" i meant lenny's.
posted by scarnsworth at 8:38 AM

 
Dean 4 prez. Bojangles.com is cool. When you have a grip on it, you have it made. Guess who's bizzack? People don't steal cats. Cats get runover and cats runoff, but even purebred felines don't get stolen. How many people go say "Hey, this is my racket, I'm gonna steal a cat. I'm eavesdropping, by the way. If you cut a cat's tail off, it's a manx. You can live off cereal if you choose. dotdotdot, yo. I'm starting a new team and I'm the fucking capitan. I don't shave with a razor or get enuff sleep. Everything goes grey this week but turns pink early on. I love it when it is pink. Tails are useful, and he loses balance when he runs into shit. where's my mag,a nd I hate playing games. boar-ring.
bye now.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:26 PM

 


posted by scarnsworth at 3:00 PM