my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
christ blogs

what is the deal with these church blogs being the primary referrers to this blog and crabber? are there like seventeen blogs in the entire blogosphere that aren't christ-related and the remaining billion blogs in the blogiverse about Him? somebody explain this to me!
posted by scarnsworth at 11:51 PM

 
big news on sasquatch!

"To hunt an animal most people have never seen and some don't even believe in would be an incredible experience," enthuses 38-year Sam Custler of Knoxville, who plans to take his two teenage sons on a Bigfoot hunt. "You're talking about a critter that's smarter than a bear and probably even a gorilla. " LINK

posted by scarnsworth at 2:26 PM

 
I can't believe I spent like 50 bucks trying to get rid of this cold and it still lingers. Howev, I forgot about the goldenseal and it's all good now. Emergen-C, Emergen-C,Emergen-C, is sooooo good with cranberry juice, and faux Nyquil makes me have weird unwanted dreams. Nope, I did not wanna see you nekkid again, even in my sleep. and now I'm on candy and diet cokes with lime 'cuz it makes me feel better and all that pseudophredrine shitt dries out my cavities and my patience wid chirrenz ain't what it used to be. capeesh?


posted by kenniebloggins at 11:24 AM

 
ewww, that smell

today is not a good day for me and my smelling good at work. i'm back at work off a weeklong vacation during which i was rather recalcitrant towards my personal hygiene, and now my armpits are payin off big time. what is going on in my life? i've been sitting around, holed up, watching freddy and stinking? good god, get it together scarnsworth! water the plants or something at least!

posted by scarnsworth at 1:38 PM

 
dramarama

so i've been watching lots of the nightmare on elm street films over the past week, and i've noticed one striking characteristic of the series:
the soundrack to these movies is completely fucking awesome. admittedly in a slightly ironic way. HOWEVER, you can bet your ass if i were blogging about these songs in '86, '87, '91, or whenever, it would be in the most unabashedly unironic way possible. there's dramarama's "anything, anything" blasting while a guy practices his nunchuckas in the dream master. there's dokken's "dream warriors" from NOES 3: the dream warriors. there's the fat boys featuring freddy krueger himself doing a little rap called "are you ready for freddy?" and let us not forget sinead o'connor and mc lyte doing "lay your hands on me". !! a cornucopia, i tell you. fucking hott

from dramarama's "anything, anything":

I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills,
I'll give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills,
I'll even let you watch the shows do you want to see,
Just marry me, marry me, marry me...

posted by scarnsworth at 10:54 AM

 
Of a cyclical nature
I have recently come to a conclusion that my life spins like a whirly-gig and I always come back to the same point. Yikes! Is there any way to move forward but an incha at a time? I came to conclude what I had already surmised after deleting some 153 myspace journal entries chronicling the past 365 days of my existence. I glanced over each of them and realized the following about myself:
a: I have some sort of cold every month.
b: My teeth cause me woe
c: I like to cook a lot
d: Every Monday I write about how drunk/high I was during the weekend.
e: I never really put to motion my need to relax
f: I like to take it easy during the week
g: Someone is always pissed off at me (it's usually one person, but soemtimes more than one)
h: I still haven't uprooted myself from Athens
i: Sometimes I spend too much money on clothes
j: I am indirectly affected by the American literature I teach.
k: I write weird entries when I'm drunk
l: I spend too much money on vacations.
m: I spend too much money going out on the weekends
n: I should probabaly have about 10 grand saved right now (ftr...not even close)
o: I spend too much money hosting guests (this ebbs and flows a bit)
p: I like to exercise, eat healthy and ruin myself in other ways.
q: Oh yeah, I have a cold again and my teeth still hurt.
r: Something will soon give and the circle will be broken.
s: This keyboard sticks and helps create stylistic errors.
t: I have a hard time finishing creative projects
t2: goodbye!

posted by kenniebloggins at 11:24 AM

 
I took this one again.
Won't get fooled again.
Listening to Young Wun Again,
And never gettin' to play with Neilz Hamburger, but it all good.
And the nights get chilly and albino skunks peer outta the bushes and I ain't scairt o' bomb threats and oh shit, I thought I was Takin IT EASY THIS WEEKEND.
HOVEL O" INDOLENCE.
3rd WEEK o' OCTOBER
And U don't even know
What Jay Barker Did in 1992
Or Richard Todd in '79
Or the Snake or Broadway Joe
And how much pain Jack Youngblood took
Or how radical it's gonna be when I get those fukkin' turntables and play shit u would never listen and yo lame ass won't dance to and I just want some v'egg salad and some organic ramens and for an upset and a king size buttterfinger and a bag o' munchos.
This shit don't fly and ee'rything goes BOO! Sometimes I wanna be a werewolf and sometimes I wannna be a gourmet chef. Can't be everything. Tomorrow will tell. Wickerman and BAD NEWS BEARZ. OH boy. And you keep writin' my life? People keep callin' and I gots to go. But u know. And I really wish this ....would last 4 eva. Let the music play on down the line all nite.


posted by kenniebloggins at 7:29 PM

 
VOTE NOW OR 4EVER HOLD YR PEES!
What Should kenniebloggins be for Halloween?
a: The Hamburglar
b: Hong Kong Phooey
c: Job
d: Cap'n Ahab
e: A drunk (no costume required on the witches night)
f: a war lock
g: donald cumsfeld gettin' sucked off by kindasleezy rice
h: the lone ranger
i: an ice cream sandwich
j: a butterfly
k: an ichworm
l: a roasted chicken
m: broccoli
n: a big tomato
HELP IS NEEDED!!!!!!!PRizes to the winner!

posted by kenniebloggins at 11:24 AM

 
Teefus
I can't wait until my teeth quit hurting. It's been almost two weeks and the pain has begun to spread to other teeth. I don't like this infectious mood one bit, and my leftover pizza made me wanna cry, or something of the like. I need a good haunted house and some brownies. My room smells like a smoker's lounge in the mornings and Donnie keeps picking a the mole on his side until it leaks pus and bleeds a bit. Then he goes to the corner grocery for a master cylinder and finishes it off as blood slowly drips to the floor. The cat, Saucyboy, laps it up like a saucer of milk. Donnie then goes out on the front porch of his mom's house and smokes a Lucky Srike. Yep, all in a day's work.

posted by kenniebloggins at 11:25 AM

 
scarnsworth unhinged!

man, it's five a.m. and your scarnsworth is doing google image searches for 'noseless joe' and i don't know why. i'm about to start a melatonin regimin. i'm sure lotsa people will thank me for goin to bed before the witching hour.
also
get ready for unortha-DOCS and WHITECAPS
...coming to a theatre near you.. soonish

posted by scarnsworth at 5:17 AM

 
plant one on me

sometimes i feel like a old plant. but a old plant that drinks all the time and has a face-touching ocd. and listens to cypress hill and beat happening like it ain't about to be 2005. check this out:
___________________________________________________
***SESAME STREET SNEAK PREVIEW

On Friday Elmo decides to be a plant, just like his pal Stinky. Stinky tells Elmo everything he needs to know about plant life. Being a plant looks like so much fun that Big Bird wants to join the botanical bliss, but he must find a pot his size first!

Watch this science-centered episode (show #3905) on Friday and extend the learning with these green-thumbed activities.
___________________________________________________

i wonder if stinky is an actual plant, or if he merely imagines himself to be one and has been imagining himself as a plant long enough to've learned the ropes and share them with elmo. if stinky is an actual plant, is he a smelly plant?
posted by scarnsworth at 4:28 PM

 
Some new events crossed the horizon
So it's time once again for another list of what's been goin' down with the downgoing.
1: I have finally rediscovered an interest in baseball! I watched portions of every playoff game this weekend.
2: I have been asked to co-sponsor a hiphop dance squad. And I never knew those hours spent perfecting the worm would pay off in such grand fashion.
3: IF I stay up 'til 6:00 am oN Friday and Saturday nights, I will be fucking exhausted on Sunday.
4: Graham can't remember that I punched him in the balls.
5: I have been constantly craving Southern food of my own design.
6: It's scary movie time once again and I need to repurchase the Wickerman soundtrack that was so unexpetedly taken from me last winter.
7: Nothing beats the fall.
8: I need to get the white stuff off my bedroom floor. No, not that white stuff! The sheetrock dust, ya perv.
9: I accidentally left my front door wide open all day Saturday while I was off watching the Dawgs. Nothing was amiss.
10: Some crazy crossstitching in the works of a pink unicorn mysteriously appeared on my front door after 10:00 pm Saturday night.
11: An Echo and the Bunnymen cdr mix mysteriously appeared in the bushes yesterday.
12: I still need to get the plate of catsup and mustard out of the bushed.
13: Crunches are pretty fun, but pushups are way more excitin'.
14: If I keep waiting for my touchdown pushup program to get me all swoll an shit, the Falcons better start scorign some points.
15: I don't think Noam Chomsky knows anything about sports.
15 A: I fixed the date problem on my blogs.
16: For the life of Odysseus, I cannot figure out what to wear for Halloween.
17: Sometimes it's difficult to move and sometimes I feel like 6 different people.
18: I bet I hear my name called more in a regular day than the average Betty or Guadalupe.
19: My car recently haf a birfday and it no longer smells like new car.
20: Bake at 450 degrees!

posted by kenniebloggins at 11:24 AM

 
Oh Lord, They've got Billy!
We revisited the Oglethorpe Manor for the first time since Strangegang headed off to further regions of this fair continent. Although the crowd was massively different, the hijinx may have even surpassed the normal hour rowdiness that perveded the old headquarters. A nonstop billowing of the smoke machine greatly murked the living room while strobe lights incessantly flashed across the area. The fuzz reared their shortly-cropped domes and were graciously booed upon arrival. No one headed inside as country-club disdain was tossed by the partygoers at the city's finest. A ticket was issued and the party(keg) moved from the porch to the den. An intercom announcement was made that the beer was gone, and the party began to clear. However another keg immediately appereared and was promptly mistapped. Another public adress lamented that the partygoer of highest reknown had been captured. "Oh Lord, the've got Billy", reported the speaker. "They've got Billy and he's in the car. They're taking him away!" This report was also untrue as Billy emerged, grinning like a jackass. The night wound down, and I met the new proprietors of the establishment. I discovered that the tangerine room was no more, and plans were en route to excavating the renaissance mural from its hiding quarters. We finally left at 5:00 am and began our journey homeward. The night was cold, and Krystal was closed.

posted by kenniebloggins at 11:24 AM

 
hunting the elusive sasquatch



here's some interesting reading for all my pals in the pacific northwest. LINK
i really don't have that many pals up there that i know about (save lydia and katie), but hopefully once i start putting up all this sasquatch research and other exciting information about giant squids and chupacabra on this info-site, i will make some cryptozoologist friends from oregon or washington, or maybe even that part of canada.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:38 PM

 
my legs, my legs!

i'm pretty stoked about this sixty degree weather and the swish of mike hogewood's chilly tail as i watch the puff of chill air rush from his golden snout. i even smelled the sewer down at that place where there was toilet paper and fecal erupting from that pipe (remember chilkin?), and it smelled good. i think it was because it's fall, i dunno. i'm pretty stoked that i can drink a twelve pack on a reggaler basis and not even flinch. is that a good thing? it makes me fatter, but i will tell you that.. , fuck, everyone's doing it, i'll tell you my alphabet - the up to the minute a to z of my life:

a.) alabaster nails don't make a difference
b.) brad is a guy at work that i genuinely like
c.) calling people at 3am realifies me
d.) diet sierra mist and me drinking a lot of it
e.) eggs are making a comeback in my life
f.) fred krueger or fiber one, it's a tie
g.) grant park leaves and drinking beers amongst them
h.) hot showers when the window lets in the cold and it's hard to wake
i.) in underpants on patio in 65 degrees with coffee and paper
j.) jockey underpants in which i walk around - so nice
l.) little muffins that i make and eat often
m.) magazines that i read that make me nostalgic
n.) nicoderm that i don't take anymore
o.) orgasms
p.) pillow stains that weird me out
q.) quotidian, as a word
r.) rutebega wine and thinking of making it
s.) sriracha sauce (natch)
t.) television satiating me a scary amount
u.) um, underpants? and me marching around in them? all the time?
v.) vincent d'onfrio did a good job
w.) wilting of my plants saddens me
x.) my googles
y.) yids being more a part of my life
z.) zig and our saturday chats, of course!

god damn, i hope everyone else is enjoying this weather as much as i am. here is a tear stain for this weather:



posted by scarnsworth at 11:41 PM

 
What's Grosser than Gross?
So, I'm driving to work and unexpectedly emit a tiny cough, almost a sputter. My lips come unpursed, and somehow a quarter-size ball of phlegm rockets out of my mouth and between my legs. Immediately, I begin to worry, thinking that I'll probably be forced to spend the day with a crusty stain on my newly-dry-cleaned charcoal dress slacks. Fuck! I say softly as I hit the red light. I take a moment to find the culprit, almost imagining that it has sprouted limbs and is scurrying to and fro about the floormat. Has this creature been living in me, and if so, for how long? I look to the floor and catch sight of the monumental loogie which has attached itself to the side of my black leathertriple velc casual work shoes. It rests there, not oozing or moving , giving off a faint pucey glow in the newly-crowned morn. I begin looking about the front seat of my ride, desperately searching for a tissue, napkin or pice of scrap paper, but fortune is not smiling upon yours truly this fair early autumn morning. So, I suck it up and do what it takes. I reach down and scoop the monstrosity from the side of my shoe with my left hand. I rub it for a second and the mofo is solid like a tightly-sculpted spitball. I'm amazed at my body's creation, but the light changes, so the time is nigh for the two of us to part. I contemplate saving it and putting my loogie on display in a Mason jar, but even the thought of that occurring makes me feel kinda creepy about even knowing myself. As I switch from 1st, to 2nd, to 3rd gear, I roll down the window a bit. I attempt to flick the loog behind my MAzda but no dice. Fuck again! I'm going 60 now and my flicking efforts only serve to produce some sort of ectoplasmic web. Goddamn, now. This is about to get really disgusting I think. I quickly abandon the flick method and begin rolling the snotball with my fingers. I already know that my hands are sticky, but the size of the sphere is shrinking. Finally, freedom is discovered as the ball rockets into the crisp morning air. Or so I thought. Upon exiting the car, I noticed my morning pal's crusty remnants pasted upon the rear driver's side window. I'm leaving this one hear for a while, I thought to myself proudly as I strode, head high, into the workplace.

posted by kenniebloggins at 11:24 AM

 
flagpole

welly, welly, welly, looks like old oceanchum has made it into the papers folks. yep readers, i knew it wouldn't be too long before this 'little blog that could' garnered the noteriety that it deserved. this article was written by a solid chap i used to know name of emerson. he mentions the 90 minute dance parties, which, upon reading, excited me and brought back ever so fond memories. god that was a long time ago. other local notables make it into the article as well. though i will tell all who read and don't know, your scarnsworth blogs from atl not ath. good readin!
posted by scarnsworth at 2:22 PM

 
coke booger



what was that shit in the corner of george bush's mouth last night? some people have said cocaine, some have said a gathering of spittle that he was reluctant to tongue away, i personally think it was a measure of anbesol or some other numbing agent used to induce that perma-grin he had =-= whatever it was, i was sufficiently weirded out by it. not as weirded out by kerry's surprise boner tho..
posted by scarnsworth at 1:14 PM

 
television
tonight's a good night for the tube. let's see..




i'm sure there's more than this, but i'm going for coffee now.
posted by scarnsworth at 1:02 PM

 
i'm drinking again.

check this out.
-
[via chilkin & bilskits]

posted by scarnsworth at 9:39 PM

 
fuck 'adaptation'! charlie kaufman stole everything he knows from 'wes craven's new nightmare'!!!!!
this movie is rad. more to come later? dunno..
posted by scarnsworth at 1:08 AM

 
dish networking

man alive, i watched a lot of television tonight! and i have some critical observations that i'd like to share with you! here goes!
ok, so first i flipped the tube over to the sci-fi network to watch a great new show called 'scare tactics'. this show is about people getting kind of 'punk'd' but instead of getting 'punk'd' they get the living shit scared out of them. shannon dougherty used to be the host, but now it's stephen baldwin. the best part of this episode was when baldwin inserted himself into one of the acutal scares, and the victim had no clue who he was. he took off his sunglasses, then his hat, and the girl still had no clue. i laughed the change out of my pockets.
next i watched 'the shield' with ex-'commish' michael chiklis. this show was fucking amazing. the girl from 'beautiful things' was in it, and she played part of a couple who abducted a neighbor girl and amputated her arm in some sadomasochistic deal. that plotline was pretty intense, but the 'b' plotline involved michael chiklis and 'apollo' from 'rocky' trying to get some dirt on these dudes who got apollo kicked off the force for police brutality. the guy basically taped apollo beating the shit out of him a la rodney king, sued the cops, and now drives around in escalades, runs around with 10 pda's (?) and has some hot asian wife. chiklis gets shot in the end and apollo gets the snow beat out of him with a pipe. meanwhile, chiklis' wife is going to leave him, and there's some investigation going on concerning his financial gain from some (mis)handling of evidence. final verdict: this show is more hardcore than law & order.
next i watched 'law and order: criminal intent" with old vincent d'onofrio. i saw this show once before, thought d'onofrio was supposed to be a psychic investigator, and wrote it off as a total piece of shit. well, this ep had neal patrick harris (aka doogie hauser) as a crazy chocolatier who kidnaps women and then drills a hole in their heads so as to give them perma memory loss after he's finished cuddling with them (?). he accidentally killed one of the kidnaps and then gets found out, convicted, and ultimately killed in 'sing sing'. intense. d'onofrio is not, in fact, psychic, so i may just give this show another chance.
after that, i switched over to 'csi: miami' with david caruso. this guy's a bad ass. i liked him in nypd blue, and he'll always have my respect from that extreme car chase from the oft-dissed movie 'jade.' that car chase was amazing. it blows away that 'best carchase movie ever' from the sixties. jade makes that movie seem like something that would take place in mayberry. summary judgement: they use a lot of detective quip phrases a la lennie briscoe in L&O and those flashbacks to the actual crime are an interesting device, but they totally blow out the chroma and make it a 'this took place in the past' scene which is lame. david caruso is rad tho.
just watched four minutes of 'room raiders.' do these people exist?
alright, now i'm watching 'nadja' on ifc. here are my thoughts as they happen while i watch this movie. a movie about vampires in nyc- this could be good. why is peter fonda in this? that's sketch. still could be good though. oh god, they filmed part of this with a fisher price pixelvision cam which means 'shitty undergrad film'. how did they get peter fonda in this? ok, the opening credits are beginning: here we go already with the pixelvision!! SHITTY! but wait! there's a my bloody valentine song playin in the background! kevin shields got totally scammed! now the movie's starting, and there's nadja the vampire talkin with some dude in a cafe about how nyc nightlife is so much more fun that the nightlife in romania. NO SHIT. shouldn't this guy already be thinkin dracula? jesus. this dialogue is total shit. sounds like somebody wrote it after smoking tons of opium. oh man, now she's killing the guy IN PIXELVISION. now there's some joe sixpack dukin it out with an old man in a boxing gym. i know that old guy from somewhere.. there's peter fonda as van helsing looking like a goth. skip about fifteen minutes.. ok, now nadja is at some cute girls apt and they are listening to ANOTHER MY BLOODY VALENTINE SONG! what the fuck. ok, here's the lesbian scene in pixelvision laden with much more insanely shitty dialogue. who wrote this movie? kaspar hauser? now the girl wakes up the next morning to say "my period's fucked up." this movie is total shit. i'm done with it.
posted by scarnsworth at 3:20 AM

 
cahiers du cinema!! vive la filme!

so kennie bloggins and i are going up to the mountains for a couple days to get away from all the distractions of the city, and while we're up there we're plannin on loggin some quality FILM WATCHING AND REVIEWING time! that's right folks! when we get back to the land of the living, you can expect some grand movie reviews in the style of pauline kale and david denby posted right up here on ye ol' oceanchum! here's what we got in the "to watch" basket thus far:

1. all dogs must be on alisha
2. bonnie and the clydesdale
3. goat-busters
4. three men and a little lady great dane
5. bulletproof
6. pet semetary orgy

don't frown, we'll be back before you know it. we've packed our charcoal and lentil burgers, as well as our aerasol can of 'cutter', and they got cable up there, so i'm sure we'll be able to put the vcr on pause long enough to watch episodes of "you're FIRED" tonight and "imma debate you" tomorrow night. it's gonna be good times for all of us. hold your breath cause here comes fall. i can smell it.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:01 AM

 
I've been loving this song since I was high as fuck and watching it on BET on a rainy hungover Saturday last winter. Best back to school fall classic ever.
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:11 PM

 
now that's what i call marine biology!



he was an inspiration to me and kennie bloggins, and i'm really sad now. he gave an interview on fresh air recently (before he was hospitalized this last time), and he was still as hilarious as ever. this sucks.
posted by scarnsworth at 1:54 AM

 
Chaz: Dude I got some coke
Brillo Plum: So, why is it wrapped up in a napkin?
Chaz: Dude, that's toilet tissue!
Brillo Plum: Okay, I guess that's how they treat 10 bucks wortha coke.
Chaz: Do you have a nail?
Brillo: No way man! I fuckin' bite my nails all the time. I got a credit card.
chaz: That'll work.
Brillo Plum: Fucking block that door man. I don't wanna explain why we're having to be bailed outta some straw and bambooo bighouse before we're put in the stocks.
Chaz: Are you gonna do that line?
Brillo PLum: Is this shit even real?
He looks closely and accidentally knocks roughly half of the coke onto the linoleum. He begins to laugh.
chaz: Fuck you!
He does the miniscule amount of coke remaining and the two dash back onto the dance floor.
Brillo Plum: (still laughing). Man, I can't believe you just spent 10 bucks on toilet paper!
This is an excerpt from the upcoming feature length film entitled Taste the Freedom, Fuckface.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:30 AM

 
Question:

So, I was totally wrapped up in this episode of The Rub on SiTv and the topic of discussion was foreplay. One of the guests offered the info that having one's toes sucked just after a shower truly beat the dickens out of sex. That having a man gently massage her foot and then begin sucking her toes was completely orgasmic. That it throttled the fuck out of fisting or water sports or spewing mud onto one's significant other. Now womenz, is there any truth to this? We at oceanchum are a bit inquisitive regarding the matter.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:14 AM

 


JOHNNY UTAH: "Okay, so this is where you tell me all about how locals rule and yuppie insects like me shouldn't be surfing your break and all that, right?"

BUNKER: "No."

TONE: "That would be a WASTE of TIME..."

WARCHILD: "We're just going to fuck you up."

posted by scarnsworth at 5:25 PM