my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
this is a thing for your cats



i don't know, i may've been sleepin on this, but this site is horrifying. and yet i'm deeply intrigued by it. (thanks for the heads up lonnie, allstar qb.) i think that mike hogewood is way too big to do this with (according to the site it only works with baby kittens bc they have rubbery bones), but if anybody wants to try this out let me know and we can go in together on the deal.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:03 PM

 
what the fudge is up with this guy?



i mean, those are fake pecs right? grody.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:24 AM

 
a film about penguins



"march of the penguins" looks like it's going to be amazing. you can view the trailer here.
i've noticed some wheat paste posters for this penguin flick slapped up on the sides of dilapidated buildings in my neighborhood which is strange because you don't usually see posters for animal documentaries on the sides of those buildings.
posted by scarnsworth at 8:35 AM

 
Athefest Night 1: A few observations
1: Pylon is the worst post-punk band of the late 70s early 80s that has ever received any non-local recognition. They are obscure enough for Soul Jazz to reissue a comp or include them on a comp but Soul Jazz would never do that because Soul Jazz only reissues records by bands that are awesome.
2: Teenage Meth Lab may be the worse band name ever. They are pretty kickass in that stinky ass-rocking, Jesus Lizardy black jeans wearin',no-girls attendin', beer bellied way that is usually vacant in Athens. Here are some suggestions for some new band names: Teenage Death Lab, Meth Certificate, Major Threat, Meth Lab, White Whisker (props go to scarnsworth), Stool Sample, Methcab for Cutie, The 'roids, Act of Defiance, pools of blood and vomit
3: The party at the Farm or whatever that organic bar/eatery is called had the worst downtempy hippie bullshitica band ever playing.
4: Athfest needs to up the ante a bit and become a real festival. Athefest should feature bands playing until like 2:00 am outside and then there should be some sort of hippie rave during which every participant gets naked, eats ecstacy and waves glowsticks. Then all festgoers should retire to their respective tents on Washington Street and Hancock for about 3 hours of sleep before bands begin playing again at 8:00 am. It should be hotter and water should not be readily available to anyone, much less to women who may feel the need to take their tops off in a vain attempt at cooling off and then straddle their shoulders of really tall dudes who they may or may not know before doing some crowd surfing. And the rain needs to happen so everyone can get all muddied up and someone definitely should get stabbed. Oh, and the cops need to whip some ass and some hippie needs to toss a flaming trash can through the window of Clocked in an effort to give the county gov't a big FUCK YOU in protest of the sprawl. Then Athfest would be a festival. Oh, and hippy stripper tents are also a must.
5: Twice the words "Welcome to Assfest" were overheard and radio station Joel from Bronco 2 was pissed. The result is that Assfest 3: All Tomorrow's Potties is now in the works and scheduled for the hottest weekend imaginable in August.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:58 PM

 
The person who invented plaid shortsleeve button-up shirts for men needs a good solid thrashing. And if that person is dead, then may the corspe receive the full flogging.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:38 PM

 
Big thanks to everyone who helped make my birthday as badass as possible by coming out to rusan's and getting me hungover today by buying me shots and drinks at Go. I have the best friends ever.

Okay, I know I'm not up to the level of the unrealized scripts guys, but once in a while I have a farthing of an idea. So, here is a brief synopsis of the soon-to-be scripted bestiality thriller entitled Stallion.
One of the dead horses from The Ring returns to settle the score. In the first scene, the horse plays peeping Tom and looks through a cabin window to see two people fucking. Enraged, the stallion crashes through the window, kicks the man who is hitting it from behind in the head and kills him. Without wasting any time, the stallion then begins fucking the woman from behind. When he finishes, he whinnies and tears through another window in the cabin. The woman, looking dismayed, lights a cig and utters a short, meaningful phrase. "Damn you, stallion." She takes a puff as the stallion races into the forest.
posted by kenniebloggins at 3:20 PM

 
i wish you could, i wish you would, would understood



a message from the ATL:
all you ninjas on the west coast, or at least west of the mighty mississip - go see the gang gang dance.
it won't be scratch wasted.

all a sudden i heard a bird caw CAW CAW boom boom! ninjas brain splattered all over the wall
posted by scarnsworth at 3:32 AM

 
Sushi,sushi and mbday...
I turn 31 tomorrow and will be celebrating the event at rusan's at 7:30. Oh yeah, this is the Athens rusan's, which opened Friday with about 20 of us doing sake bombs, compliments of rusan and thanks to agora. so, show up and let's celebrate me while I gorge myself on that 20 dollar lobster tail roll.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:22 PM

 
please doritos, put him on the bag



the u.s. soldiers who guarded saddam in baghdad had an interview in gq this month in which they revealed that saddam loves cheetos! and when the cheetos ran out, they had to give him some doritos instead - and he liked those even better! i mean, it's no news that doritos are a great snack, but saddam eating them? it's like the stuff of my dreams.
also, they became such good friends with saddam that he would give them relationship advice, and some days he would get so chatty that the guards said they'd have trouble shutting him up! god, my mind is as blown as tom cruise atop the eiffel tower!
here's the link
posted by scarnsworth at 11:56 AM

 
Budweiser, you can suck my dick. You ain't nothin' but a piece of shit on the damn map.

You can sleep when you're 30- a Budweiser slogan advertising the new Bud product which contains caffeine, ginseng and Guarana extract, along with natural flavor

So the first time my age is targeted by advertisers, it's Budweiser, the beer that first touched my lips at the tender age of five, when I swiped my dad's can and took a cool swig before my mom took it away from me and beat my preschool Captain Kangaroo watchin' ass. So, mom was right from the beginning. I should have tried Michelob or PBR or Schiltz or even Hamm's before I let Bud begin stabbing me in the back. I feel like I received the rawest of deals from the Breakfast of Champions. I mean regular Bud didn't dis me, shit Bud Light even knew not to smite me, but some kinda fucking new age extreme games crystals totin' wanna be Sparks imitation had to call me out because I'm 30.Goddamn them to the fucking nether regions. They couldn't even get Vin Diesel or Dan Cortese or even that kid from the ABC afternoon show to condemn me to geriatricity. Nope, just a big ole can of B(e). The ad closes with the words, "Enjoy your free time." I hope the assholes who came up with the new product and slogan are hangin' out with the dude who introduced the new coke idea i the mid 80's. Enjoy your goddam free time, jerkrags. Fuck em'. I'm going to bed.


posted by kenniebloggins at 9:10 PM

 
this frightened me tonight


treeee

posted by scarnsworth at 2:12 AM

 
A quick review...
Homemade Guiness Extra Stout float with vanilla ice cream...
I don't really recommend this if you are actually trying to change the taste of the Guiness to any degree. The ice cream flavor mixed near the end, but, by that point, the Guiness flavor had completely taken the dominant position on the tastebuds. Next on the float crusade:
New Castle then Sweetwater 420 then PBR. Seriously.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:50 PM

 
this one's from the annals

i mean, i don't want to hit him!
but, he sits there just a meowing and a meowing till i let him in and all i'm doing is trying to have a few brewskis, you know? and i'm like , "come on in, boy" and he ain't got sense enough to leave me alone. don't he know it's my day off and i'm' just tryin to blow off steam with a couple of cold ones? but no, he's under my feet just a purrin.
"scat cat!!" i holler and tell him to get out of here, you know? and hes gone. but then hes so quiet, i know somethin' ain't right and i go and he's drinkin out of the toilet, and i don't want to hit him but i've got to.
sometimes i've got to.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:31 PM

 
Since everyone's tits are bleeding over the cultural relevance of the mix "tape" I thought I'd post the track listings of my latest endeavor here at oceanchump. This is made for JG's and AL's trip to India with a brief stay in France.
1: Tour de France- Kraftwerk
2: Supersonic- JJ Fad
3: Vacation- The Go Gos
4: Burning For You- Blue Oyster Cult
5: Victoria- The Kinks
6: Holiday Road- Lindsay Buckingham
7: Second Hand News- Fleetwood Mac
8: Making Love Out of Nothing At All- Air Supply
9: Spotieotiedopalicious- outkast
10: Tender Love- Force MDs
11: Jungle Love- Morris Day and the Time
12: Your Cover's Blown- Belle & Sebastian
13: Living Thing- ELO
14: Axel F- Harold Faltemeyer
15: Let's Groove Tonight- Earth Wind and Fire
16: Mr. Blue Sky- ELO
17: Happiness- Dead Prez
18: September- Earth Wind and Fire
19: Welcome Back-Mase
Note: Some titles may be slightly off or misspelled which is due in full to me being lazy as fuck.
posted by kenniebloggins at 3:48 PM

 
ITZ YO BIRFDAY!!!
Well, not yet, but for all of you wanting to know what kenniebloggins may want under his pillow come June 22, here's a little wish list for you.
1: about 20k to put down on that house I can't afford just yet.
2: the new Jaws deluxe edition dvd (or whatever)
3: the John Legend cd
4: bottle of Grey Goose
5: a riding lawnmower
6: a new pair of cargo shorts that don't look completely stupid
7: a year's supply of mega power builders at rusan's
8: the little car adaptor for my dj 2o
9: some tools and a toolbelt
10: yoga lessons
11: somebody to go on vacation with me (somebody who's agreeable and pretty fun)
11(a): roundtrip tickets to Jamaica
12: turntables and a mixer
13: a paperback copy of Billy Budd or the complete works of Melville
14: for all my friends to get laid
15: a nice asparagus fern
16: some good man vs. nature dvds
17: for the light in my closet to be fixed
18: the gang starr 2-cd retrospective that I'm always too lazy to buy
19: A Point Break dvd
20: some new shoes for next year at school that I like
21: 25 lb. weights for the curls program
22: a hot tub
23: the live up the dance cd on soul jazz
23(a): a full body massage
24: a good chicken cook book
24(a): some chicken comers' bbq sauce for cookin' purposes
25: for all my friends who wanna come to rusan's in Athens to do so and get crazy and do sake bombs all night and come back to my house to drink beer floats and then tear the town apart. more details to come...
posted by kenniebloggins at 4:02 PM

 
Is it possible to wake up with fleas and dandruff? That's how I felt this morning. something kept biting my back and neck and my head itched like nobody's business. Is some kinda lycanthropic state on the horizon? Oh hell yes.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:11 PM

 
What time is it?
It's bloody mary time.
no pool weather
cloudy head keeps
me from cleaning the closet
can't even read the funny papers
or look at the television
or even play with myself
o, perineum, how you stay untouched on such a
rainy Saturday
but it's not raining
Peppar or Worcestershire
or horseradish
or celery stalks tall and majestic
It's bloody mary time
posted by kenniebloggins at 4:41 PM

 
Damn how I spend my spare ones
The summer is here and here is how it likes me to celebrate it:
1: drinkin' Beer
2:findin' me a pool to swim in
3: swimmin'
4: cookin' out
5: readin'
6: writin' (mostly for penmanship purposes)
7: stayin' up late
8: breakfast at wimbledon
9: listenin' to some tunes
10: watchin' some flicks
11: cuttin' my pop's grass
12: havin' sex on the hood of an '84 Camaro (this may be a dream more than a reality)
13: siteseein'
14: showerin' whenever I please
15:beachcombin'
16: makin' superb breakasts
17: lightin' farts down by the beach
18: thinkin' 'bout sharks
19: pig roastin'
20: gettin' irie
posted by kenniebloggins at 3:29 PM

 
As far as laid back, hole-in-the-wall seafood shacks are concerned, The Steamhouse Lounge in Buckhead is pretty darn swell. J_________________ and I had the 30 buck bucket of steamed sea products, along with a few new potatoes and partial ears of corn on the cob, and I feel like we were pretty satisfied with our 20 dollar power lunches. I thought the shrimp and the clams really stood out with the lone exception to this rule being the clam I had to spit into the waste bin. The crablegs were pretty tasty, but I'll go along with Trey the Friendly Waiter's notion that they're really not worth the effort. Surprisingly, the oysters didn't send me to Grady Memorial like I thought they might. I'm a bit superstitious and typically never stray from the seasonal eating rules. While eating, J________ and I discussed the dire need for a decent seafood restaurant in Athens like the Steamhouse Lounge or Six Feet Under. However, I'm not complaining too hard because it'll be megapower builder lunches every week once Rusans finally opens.

On a side note, I have a muffin tin full of rhubarb muffins baking as I write this. I had to buy a stupid muffin tin for this endeavor and the damn thing is awkwardly constructed in such a way that makes getting it out of the hot oven very difficult. More about the muffins at a later date.
toodles,
kenniebloggins, gent.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:54 AM

 
Ode to Ticky
O wee one, I barely knew you, but you allowed me to learn so much about myself.
You said very little and cowered when the grizzled yellow lab nudged you with his muzzle
And you only showed courage when faced with an approaching 6 year old with glasses.
Still
You tore into that pork fat with a vengeance, and you never cringed when I scolded you for flooding the futon with your urine while I lay supine on the green chenille sofa.
Mark your territory indeed, you undersized mongrel.
And you didn't hesitate to embarrass me as the snoot with the obedience schooled shepherd watched you trip up in your leash.
But still I salute you. We gathered our rosebuds together and 15 hours was far too long.
Until we meet again.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:24 AM

 
an indictment, dressed for action

this one goes out to movie theaters in atlanta: get some new movies you stupid fucks!
if i have to say to myself, "nah, i still don't want to see 'millions'" one more time i think i'll pass away into the night. how long has layer cake been in town? in a city with 3 arthouse cinemas, for what seems like a lifetime. not to worry, there's one worth seeing out to the drive-in so maybe i'll get a bottle of booze and head on down moreland. i gotta do something to kill the time till next friday.
posted by scarnsworth at 6:15 AM

 
luckless pedestrians

i started taking pictures and putting them up on the internet. take a look. don't expect the pics of me in the bathtub until i can figure out how to blur out my face. i linked it up tight over at crabber, just thought i'd drop a simple note here at oceanchum.
now all me and kennie have to do is figure out the cafepress thing and you guys will be able to buy baby bibs with the dudley tractor shot emblazoned on em.
oh, if you're on flickr, add me to your contacts list if you're feeling it.
posted by scarnsworth at 12:09 PM