my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
A man started a blind date by removing the high heels of the woman he just met. He began caressing the arch of her left foot and then started licking her phalanges. "What the hell are you doing?" said the woman indignantly.
"Why," said the very forward young gentleman, "I'm just getting toe know ya."
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:26 PM

 
q: Why do pigs make such great house pets?
a: Because you can use their pricks to open wine bottles.
posted by kenniebloggins at 9:56 PM

 
that narnia thing

why is that snl rap thing blowing up? is it just me, or is it not lame as fuck? is it a beastie boys parody? i've got a good one, let's do a parody of u2! it'll blow minds!

-
"i'm rapping, but i'm rapping about cupcakes and mapquest instead of making degrading comments about women and bragging about drug use!"
-

here's a quote from v on the subject:
"yeah, i mean, cookie monster had "cookie -- cookie RAP!" in 1987 and THAT was hilarious because he had a big gold chain on and a run DMC hat on his head."

whatevs. i haven't really even watched all of the thing, just concerned by how popular it's become over the past 11 days.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:02 AM

 
Some surreal holiday cheer.
The following conversation actually took place at a Christmas eve party at which I was in attendance.
The party hostess who is in her 50s: So, what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas this year?
9-year-old girl who is dressed as Mrs. Claus: I want my mommy to come back. (She pauses for a second) And I want to tell all the people who I have hurt in the past that I'm sorry. (She begins to cry)
Party hostess: Are you in a 12 step program?
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:51 PM

 
Some stuff that sucked in 2005:
1:Sufjan Stevens live at the 40 Watt in September. I have not listened to him since the show. I guess he got tired of the cheerleader theme somewhere on tour before Athens, so he just looked embarrassed. I would have much rather seen him play a solo acoustic show than do the shit I saw. Not that it matters, but the dude lost a fan that night.
2: Those dudes who were jacking off outside my window one night.
3: The Falcons not making the playoffs this year.
4: Will, this dick in Costa Rica who totally fucked up our travel plans on interbus
5: Bluemountain online greeting cards. Fucking scam artists.
6: The total meltdown of the Alabama offensive line in the Auburn game.
7: When I hit myself with the car door and cut my lip.
8: When I had that raging ass fever a couple of months ago
9: When that dude at work didn't pay me for covering his night school classes
10: That movie Crash that was released this year kinda sucked.
11: That my girlfriend made me go see the new Harry Potter movie with her
12: That I have to work on January 2.
13: That I forgot how to play tennis
14: That I lost all my football bets this year.
15: That my mother sent me an email that read ROLL TIDE with an accompanying pic of Tyrone Prothro breaking his leg. That really sucked.
16: I've left off other more significant world events because that's just a given. Overall, I guess it's been a pretty swell year.
posted by kenniebloggins at 4:19 PM

 
What flipped my lid in 2005
A succint-as-possible somewhat comprehensive list of whatnot in no particular order
1: Mike Jones "Still Tippin'"
2: Big Boi "Kryptonite"
3: Pretty Much Everything R. Kelly did
4: Rio Baile Funk
5: Dorothy Ashby: Afroharping
6: Three Six Mafia
7: Paul Wall "Sittin' Sideways"
8: Pretty Ricky
9: The Weight's performance, um total shutdown at the Caledonia fully captured on the Monitor dvd
10: the curls program
11: The first 9 games of Alabama's football season
12: Costa Rica
13:Devin the Dude
14: An Incident at Loch Ness
15: Washington Crane's "The German Student"
16: Ambrose Bierce's "The Damned Thing"
17: Roll Bounce
18: Hustle and Flow
19: Land of the Dead
20: Drunken Spelling Bees
21: MTV Jams
22: Comets on Fire live at the Earl in June
23: M.I.A. live in Athens in September
24: Olivia Tremor Control live at Orange Twin
25: Rusan's opening in Athens
26: The pre-fixe dinner at Soto
27: My very first steak date with pswils
28: That damned dalmation that I walk all the time
29: Jeff Fallis/ DJ Mahogany's Marvin Gaye birthday celebration
30: brunch at Carrol Street with Scarn, poached eggs and big Bloody Marys
31: The Soul Gospel comp on Soul Jazz
32: Djing Amy Domingo's reggae birthday party (as well as the party itself)
33: trying to make Sauce into a stand-up comic
34: Jeezy
35:the fact that Go has been playing Wickerman repeatedly for the past two days
36: Black Christmas
37: Blowfly
38: all the soul and r&b I downloaded
39: Vashti Bunyan's Just Another Diamond Day reissue
40:my dj2o
41: women with fine asses
42: lactation
43: the seafood soup at Seoul Garden on the Buford Highway
44: HNIC
45: 5xmas...are we gonna do sexmas?
46: George Jones
47: dancehall and def Jamaica stuff
48: vegan ceviche
49: Taqueria la Parilla
50: Cherrelle's "I didn't mean to Turn you On"
50(a) Field Mob's "Georgia" and Lil' Whyte's "Good Ole Boy"

50(b): Lenox Mall
50(c): Amy Dykes' birthday tent celebration
50(d): bullfrog
50(e): Common's Be


And my recent music acquisitions which include the Nuggets box set, the Chicago Soul comp on Soul Jazz, Studio One Lovers, Blowfly's Party, A 30-song Sam Cooke cd entitled Portrait of a Legend and Boz Scaggs' "Lowdown"
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:17 PM

 
'twas the week before xmas

i've been listening to a good deal of christmas songs lately, and they seem pretty simple to write.
it also seems that there are no good contemporary christmas songs, only remakes of the classics.
that's about to change with this bit of verse you'll read below penned by yrs trly.

ooooh that bit of chill is in the air again
you can feel it coming round! again!
to prick the tender flesh of your cheeeeek
oooh with it's relentless bitter twinge!!!

santa is packing up his sleigh, oohhhhh
and feeding rudolph once more! (all right!)
and mrs. claus is pacing in the vestibule!!!
for her worrisome heart won't rest easy on this night!!!!

(chorus)
that's right, for christmas time
makes the heart warm
no you needn't shed nary a tear,
for we'll all gather round that old roaring fire
to confess all our transgressions to the ones we hold most dear!!!

children all the world overrrrrr
envisioning those sugar plums
as you and i read rilke neath the old fir tree
and make those guttural sounds in the chaos of snow and foliage!!!

oh yes, once a year parson jack comes 'round
for a glimpse of us in the glade
a biblical scene played out in the snow
though nebuchadnezzer never knew such debauch as this!! (that's right!!)

(slower)
for we all .. get that feelin
the passion does not pass us by!!
and we know .. it's the season
reindeer hoofbeats up in the skyyyYY!!!

(chorus)
that's right, for christmas time
makes the heart warm
no you needn't shed nary a tear,
for we'll all gather round that old roaring fire
to confess all our transgressions to the ones we hold most dear!!!

let's not forget old man frosty
that wandering avuncular old pal!
his magic is seeping, through leaves and o'er starlings
it blankets this culvert and toowwwnn, oh towwwnn!

christmasssss - it is a feeeling
it's wondrous and wicked, sincere!
and my heart begins to ache
with the gingerbread you bake
christmas comes but once a yearrr!!!!

(jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaayyyyy)

all rights reserved, copyright 2005.
posted by scarnsworth at 4:06 PM

 
i posit that peter jackson got his stomach stapled

here he is before:



and here he is now:

click

i guess 200,000,000 will pay for the ol' stomach staplin new turd factory.
posted by scarnsworth at 12:33 PM

 
bareback mountain

there. i said it.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:39 AM

 

I know the popularity of yeti-inspired apparel has been increasing for a couple of years or so, but the number of women who I see wearing ultra-furry barbarian queen gone fur trapping boots astonishes me. First, we are in the South, not Tibet. Second, the girls I see wearing them do not even come close to Lana Clarkson in Barbarian Queen or even Brigitte Nielson in Red Sonja. However, that does not even come close to preventing these clodhoppers from being popular. The first time I ever saw the ultra-furry boots was when I first saw The American Starship Eagle (Danny Spivey) wrestle for Mid-Atlantic wrestling in the mid 1980s. He just wore yellow tights and the furry boots, and his tall,tanned, then-slender physique made him some sort of golden boy/ Nordic adventurer Ric Flair wannabe. It doesn't seem that he held onto the American Starship Eagle moniker for very long. Perhaps I would find a slender blonde topless woman wearing wrestling tights and furry boots completely sexy. But, I can't imagine fucking a woman who's wearing those mink stole boots. Can you imagine the pain a rubbing of the rawhide against the sac would engender. Fucking excruciating, I bet. However, if one of the bits of squirrel tail at the top of the boot rubbed gently against the prick, it may be time to try to hold off on the imminent volcanic eruption of semen that may dent the ceiling. I guess, if nothing else, these furdaddies give new meaning to the phrase fuck me boots.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:30 PM

 

Wipe that dirt off yo neck
I'm definitely no JF when it comes to tributes, but I thought it would be nice to pay respect to the funniest motherfucker who ever lived. Not that his death was shocking, due to his battle with ms, but damn, if I didn't pause and say "what the fuck" to myself when I saw the news of Richard Pryor's death on Yahoo. I'm not one of those types of people who got sad when Bob Hope died or when Ronald Reagan passed away, though I did bawl like a baby like every Bama fan when Bear Bryant died, but I excuse myself from that little incident because I was eight at the time, but for whatever reason, I couldn't believe that Richard Pryor was dead. JF and I played the wino vs dracula skit before we deejayed last night, and that brought back some good memories of Scarns, Caro and me listening to Richard Pryor's Greatest hits record in Caroline's room at Riverfront in the fall of 1998. We were drunk as hell and wouldn't even get up to change the record when it kept skipping when Pryor says "I hope you get sickle cell." We probably let that play for 5 minutes or so, but it really sucked that it skipped there. When triple velcro formed, we used to throw some Pryor jokes into the mix, which always went over like dogshit on pumpernickel toast. Friday night, Scarns and I were doing some patient waiting in his car and just driving around Atlanta listening to Pryor and laughing our asses off, even though we've listened to the same skit a godzillion times. So, I guess I don't just think I'll remember Richard Pryor for being the amazing comedic genius that he was, but I'll always think of the damn good times I've had listening to his records, whether alone or with my friends. And hopefully, that shit won't change.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:08 AM

 
Station Notes/Scripts:

TASERED GRANDMA
"

He's going to kill me."
THAT'S WHAT RACED THROUGH BEVERLY KIDWELL'S MIND WHEN LIETENTANT WAYNE BOWLING GRABBED HIS HOLSTER.

¶

"I thought it was a gun, I have never seen a taser gun in all my life."
THE TASER SHOT AN ELECTRIC PULSE THROUGH HER BODY.

¶

"I felt this excrutiating pain and I was immobilized and you can't think or move and I fell to the floor and I crumbled up in the fetal position."
THEN THE 68 YEAR OLD GREAT GRANDMOTHER SAYS THE FRANKLIN POLICE LEIUTENTANT ORDERED HER TO ROLL OVER AND STAND UP.

¶

"I thought he is going to kill me... and then the next thing, he shot me again and he kept saying all the time, get up get up and I couldn't, it paralyzes your body."
FINALLY, KIDWELL WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL... AND SHE SAYS SHE'S STILL UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE.


¶"I've been involved in a lot of cases and the first time I saw this video, I couldn't believe it. It's one of the most amazing things I have ever seen."
RICK SCHULTE HAS NOW FILED A FEDERAL CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATION LAWSUIT AGAIST BOTH THE CITY OF FRANKLIN AND LIETENTANT BOWLING.

¶

"Even if he thought Beverly Kidwell had killed someone there are other means for him to protect himself and society to restrain her. This simply should not have taken place."
SO WHY DID THE LIETENTANT USE HIS TASER?

THE FRANKLIN POLICE DEPARTMENT WON'T ANSWER THE QUESTION, BUT KIDWELL SAYS SHE WAS IN THE POLICE STATION'S LOBBY, WAITING FOR AN OFFICER TO TALK ABOUT A FAMILY FIGHT THAT SHE HAD WITH HER ADULT GRANDDAUGHTER.

SHE SAYES SHE WAITED A LONG TIME AND WHEN SHE FINALLY DECIDED TO LEAVE.. THE LIEUTENANT CAME OUT.


¶"He said no you can't leave. I said why can't I leave. He said you just sit there."
AND THEN SHE SAYS, HE STARTED FIRING HIS TASER... FIVE TIMES IN ALL.

¶

"It's taken my life away from me, since this happened last April. I have nightmares and I wake up screaming. I'm under care."
SINCE THE POLICE DEPARTMENT ISN'T COMMENTING, WE CAN ONLY GET AN IDEA FROM THE POLICE REPORT.

IT'S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY... ACCORDING TO IT, BEVERLY HIT HER GRANDDAUGTHER AND WAS AT THE POLICE STATION TO GET ARRESTED... LIETENTANT BOWLING CLAIMS BEVERLY RESISTED ARRESTED... THE LIETENTANT IS EVEN LISTED AS A VICTIM ON THE REPORT.

SO WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THIS ONE GOES TO COURT... WE'RE TOLD BOTH SIDES ARE GEARING UP FOR A TRIAL.

REPORTING LIVE, KRISTI PIEHL, 2NEWS FIRST.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:04 PM

 


5xmas Saturday December 10 at the 40 Watt
Do It Hood rich or u ain't done shit


9:00 sharpish, Saturday the 10th at the 40 Watt
Coke Bref with Don Stallione
Excalibrah
f airmount fair
murder beach france lite

lil flip scoldjah
dj frizzzly rooster and strawberry julius
special guests and prizes
afterparty, tba.
git fuck
and
P-Poppin Contest-$1
hosted by: cokey lean, frzzzly rooster, ky-cut, chicko stixxx, kuntry, young julius, grady-n-grizzle

posted by kenniebloggins at 7:00 PM

 
I just downloaded the girl vocal version of the DFL (Down 4 Life) ultrasmash hit "Laffy Taffy." Expect a full review sometime in the near future.
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:51 PM

 
Hmmmmm, let's see:
I can still bounce at the roller rink(If you don't know, then you don't know, dig?).
I can also bust my ass if I'm trying to show off.
fried dill pickles are hard to turn down.
Dalmations are athletic canines.
My wound is healing.
Smokin' Bobby Brown ain't all bad.
I have an upcoming post about American Starship Eagle (Danny Spivey) as a footwear trendsetter.
I need to register for next semester.
I have to fucking work on January 2.
I just got the awesomest golf sweater that is gettin some play at 5x (thanks pswils). white t-neck as accompaniment.
The curls program is lacking.
Just saw crime mob's seemingly ancient vid. for stilletos for the first time. highly recommended for those dudes out there with a crunk teenage girl with grill foot fetish (note: I am not including myself here, but thanks for wondering).
Oceanchum (karoshi)will be renamed braces, pigtails and kneehighs in the near future per request of an unnamed co-conspirator.
get ready as hell for strawberry julius and frzzzly rooster.
Welcome to Jamrock.
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:37 PM

 
Do the words lactating sluts give new meaning to the phrase milk bath?
I thought I had been bitten by a brown recluse on top of the knuckle of my right bird finger because the little warty looking sore began swelling and festering and pswils told me my arm would fall off. The sawbones said I have a skin infection. I'm on 'scripts, but they probably won't have to amputate.
Roll bounce party tonight, yo.
Finished for another semester, yo.
Gone' frizzly rooster next week, yo.
5x,yo.
dig?
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:08 PM