my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
New smurfdick update...
Try it with a red popsicle instead (call it raw smurfdick, I guess) and some orange Emergen-C. No icecubes are necessary. Glenmore vodka is recommended for total satisfaction.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:18 PM

 
This weekend, I'm going on vacation. I'm going to eat doughnuts and drink nothing but this. Then, I'm gonna pass out in the shower, wearing my Levis cutoffs from Spring Break 1994 and hopefully, the blood will mix magically with the Bullfrog as I hit the sandy beaches to cruise for some 'tang. But, that's only after I slip a couple of knockout drops into pswils drank. Finally, I hope to get bit lustily upon the wang by a small sandtiger before heading over to Alvin's Island to buy some jelly-filled condoms and then I'll stop by the donut shoppe to get some more Boston Cremes and postcards with 80s topless hoes lying supine astride alligators that measure nearly 10 feet in length.Oh, and I'm gonna buy one of those styrofoam baby surfboards and chum the area near the shore with squidbait before sticking my face into a vat of chocolate cake. I can't wait to go to Funland and play the Shark game and the stripper game where you shoot the stripper and her clothes come off. Maybe I'll get drunk and play tennis barefoot, and maybe I'll do like mom and dad used to and buy that bottle of Boone's at the Queen Bee when we cross the state line.If you play in the sand too long, it'll rub your privates raw. Is Cappy Dusty's still open? I love the name Chipley. Hopefully, I'll catch a few hours of beach teevee before I pop off a few bottlerockets in the dunes.Bon voyage.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:00 PM

 

I'm always somewhat blown away when I see a white dude in his twenties, thirties or older years wearing a baseball cap backwards.
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:53 PM

 

You scored as Kate. You are Kate! Even with your spotty past of bank robbery and trouble you are a known as a nice girl who loves adventure. You are one of the guys and will always volunteer to go exploring. Kate 63% Charlie 50% Sun 50% Michael 50% Sawyer 38% Shannon 31% Claire 31% Boone 25% Sayid 19% Locke 19% Jack 0% Which "Lost" character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

posted by scarnsworth at 5:20 AM

 
farty fart

i was just trying to download the 70's country hit by eddie rabbit "i love a rainy night" and when i put those very words into my musical download search engine, can you guess what popped up?
why, nothing less than "erotic housewife fucks a yellow squash out on the tennis court.wmv"
needless to say my night became a lot more interesting. a classic piece of cinema playing on my windows media player and eddie rabbit on the itunes.
sattiday don't get any better!!
posted by scarnsworth at 10:40 PM

 
you know when you're standing at the elevator and you see that the car is on the first floor but you are on the third and you don't know whether to push the "up" button to make the car come up and get you or to push the "down" button because ultimately you want to go down? that just happened to me!
today is warm for the first time all summer. the sun = out. and i was moments ago just sitting in my bed in my underwear debating on whether i should finish the last bit of gin on my bedside table left from last night or just silently pull off into a rag then go to sleep until 9pm. i fired up the old computer for a sec to check email and i got a message from my old friend v. "what you doing today, v?" i says to him. well, he goes into this elaborate explanation of a "mission" he's on to make this macaroni recipe his friend give to him. i was like, "whoa, here i am silently pulling off into a rag in my dark room and v is making this macaroni thing that has him out to the store buying whisks!" so then i became inspired.
i lept out of bed, put on my red pants and a pair of flip flops and walked over to the grocery store across the street to get some cash and a box of cookies! no way is this day going to pass yours truly by! at the register the nice man who put my box of ginger snaps in a bag for me says, "nice weather! beautiful weather!" and i says, "yes!" and he says, "beach weather!" and i say, "yes it is!" and then he says something that i can't understand. and then he repeats it and i still can't understand it. then i realized, hey, this is a 50 year old man bagging groceries he could be a little touched in the head. and then the cashier started laughing and the guy kept talking under his breath and i became embarrassed that i had talked to him at all. no matter because now guess what? i've got cookies in my stomach and i'm doing my laundry!! i'm actually doing a chore today. my room is going to smell awesome now, and i may even sweep a little bit. maybe. maybe i will go up to the roof and read.
it's time to go put my shit in the dryer now peeps! cul8r
posted by scarnsworth at 2:55 PM

 
I feel rickety like dead wheelbarrows today, and why didn't the thunder storm here?
Vodka and bad mixers aren't the best excuses, especially when the outside light slackens its hold on the Wandering Jew. I cursed like my father at the dinner table and apologized to no one. Are polygamists bad, misguided or badly misguided? Do any polygamists have three girlfriends at once and get married to all three at the same time, possibly granting the firstwife title to the one who shows the most artistry in the realm of fellatio. I would certainly hope so. Do polygamists listen to 2 Live Crew, because Luke was funky and nasty, and if I were a polygamist, I would surely want Luke's overtly crude vocal renderings to be the soundtack to my sexcapades. Imagine milk and all the possibilities.
De La Soul Ain't Dead, but somebody must have dug up Big Star.
I probably could get fired for flipping Pierre, but when somebody puts you in the choke, you got to let them go. Dig?
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:40 PM

 
The new and exciting refreshing drink sensation of the summer is...

SMUFRDICK!

To prepare a smurfdick cocktail, you need the following ingredients:
vodka
tonic water
a single blue posicle.

1: Pour vodka the way you normally would if you were making a vodka tonic.
2: Do the same with the tonic.
3: Add the blue popsicle in lieu of ice cubes.
4: Stir it and drink it up. Let the popsicle dissolve a little and watch your drink turn blue.
5: Give another to your lady friend and slip a little Spanish Fly into the mix or maybe snort a little horny goat weed to increase the dimensions of the pleasure dome.
Bone Apetits!
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:04 PM

 
it's a miracle


posted by scarnsworth at 3:07 AM

 

excuse me miss, i think we'll have anatha

hi everyone! it is your old friend scarnsworth, the prodigal blogger, come back from a long sabbatical! please accept me back into the fold! i've got excuses for being away for so long. i truly do. and i'll make it up to you i swear. i dropped a few pics over at flickr of the final days spent in atl (more should be coming soon of nyc brunch club and various other doings and don'ts from the new burg. brb.

posted by scarnsworth at 1:05 AM

 
This one goes out to the next person who asks me if I'm ready for summer.

So, you ask, am I ready for summer vacation? No. I'm not. I'd really rather prefer to work for the next eight weeks without any type of pay increase or any type of respite from my daily teaching routine. Oh, and you ask, why is my break only eight weeks? No, I repond to your follow-up question, my school is not on a "year-round schedule." If we were, we wouldn't have eight weeks of summer vacation. And are the kids "wild." Why yes, as a matter of fact, they're completely out of their fucking gourds. And what do I teach? American literature. Oh, you meant what do I teach in my American literature course? Shit, the same fucking stuff that was being taught when you were in high school, most likely. Oh, yes, we still teach The Scarlet Letter, and no, I really don't care to teach Huckleberry Finn to my classes, but thanks for asking. Oh, yes I agree, we can make a difference. It always feels better to know that I've done my best to increase students' social awareness while promoting social justice and helping my students realize their multiple literacy potentials. Yes, I do like what I do. And, shit, we do get summers off, remember?
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:05 PM

 
So I was walking down Pound Street when an overweight trollish man, apparently in his mid-40s with a greying beard and a haircut like the darkhaired man from the amazing country band Alabama, asked me a question from afar. He was wearing an old grey polo shirt, grey gym shorts and no shoes nor socks. He asked me another question as I neared. I asked him what he had said, and he immediately responded with "You heard me." I assured him that I most certainly did not, and then he asked if I was on the city council, to which I responded "no," while shaking my head and laughing. He then asked if I was a "man of the law." I almost cracked up at this one because I was wearing my navy and yellow swim trunks, black socks, grey and light blue Adidas running shoes and a blue t-shirt with the slogan "Don't sweat the petty, pet the sweaty" emblazoned across the chest in fake white iron-on letters. He then asked if it was okay if he smoked, to which I replied "Yes." I had not really slowed my pace and I continued walking. He held out his cigarette and told me that if I wasn't a man of the law or a member of the city council, I could keep on walking.

This dude is amazing.
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:45 PM

 
Some days I don't wanna wake up
Just sleep all day in bed
But I know deep down it's time to rise
And teach those little clowns.

This was a little poem supposedly written from my perspective. It was turned in as part of a student's poetry project for my class.

Stay tuned for a posting of two crunk girls' responses to Belle and Sebastian's "This is Just A Modern Rock Song." They found the song lyrics when searching for a rock song to complete that portion of the Modern and Contemporary American Poetry Project, designed by me.
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:40 PM

 
Here are some things that I've been about recently.
a: San Francisco- Can't really say much about the trip, except that it was amazing.
b: If you ever receive the opp., go see Acid Mothers Temple.
c: I made veggie lasagna for the first time in 3 years. Perhaps my heart is in the right place once again.
d: Ghostface's Fishscale is as good as everyone says it is. Best offering from a Wu Tang member in gawd knows how long.
e: I actually cheered when Jeff Francoeur hit the walk-off grandslam to beat the Nationals on Saturday. Awesome ending.
f: Brah needs to wash his duvet.
g: I hurt my back in San Francisco by falling. I was wasted and started to rush out onto the dance floor when JJ fad's remarkable hit, Supersonic came on. I wasn't aware that I was standing in a puddle of water, so when my Clarks hit the floor, I slipped and landed, first on my knee and then on my left shoulder blade.
h: My pain intensified when pswils offered her massage skills, which just involve grinding her elbow into the sore spot and laughing like a jackass as I wince in pain.
i: Art School Confidential is pretty good.
j: Somehow, half of a pencil ended up in my coffee cup this morning. Don't ask.
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:41 PM

 
Did you guys hear about the lurid sexual encounter that occured between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden a few years ago? Apparently, Saddam dipped Osama's genitalia in some tahini, rubbed it in bulghur wheat and then sucked him off after wrapping it in a pita. Although bin Laden rather enjoyed the encounter, he suffered from an incurable infection that still pesters him to this day. Yup, he now has a rare and incurable case of falafel balls.
posted by kenniebloggins at 5:32 PM

 
So, I'm out here on the West Coast, in San Francisco, to be exact, and the first morning's hangover is mild. I'm taking it easy in Brah's apartment, just enjoying my lonesome. Good vibes. So, I'm feeling pretty relaxed now, but getting out of work yesterday was a comedy of errors, to say the least, and I didn't feel as if my misfortune would ever stop. Here are some minor tragedies that infected my mellow over the past 24 hours.
1: I needed somebody to cover my 6th period, and I didn't know until 20 minutes before its beginning that anyone was actuallyu covering it. If I had to stay until the end of 6th, I would miss my flight. Luckily, my dept. head emerged to tell me it was taken care of.
2: Lil' D spilled a full bottle of Hawaiian Punch all over my students' assignment for today and my sub. plans. This was at the beginning of 5th period and I let out a GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! and told everyone to go to the media center. We had a good laugh about it there, and Lil' D and I both apologized, but I almost lost it. That was maybe the 10th minor incident of the day, and, at the time, I still didn't have a sub.
3: I literally forgot to check in at the airport and had to retrace my steps. Luckily, the airport wasn't busy.
4: I forgot to buy gum for the flight and, as our plane began its descent, my ears began popping uncontrollably. I new that would happen, but I couldn't hear very well for the first few hours I was in the city.
5: I brushed my teeth with shampoo. Actually, a shampoo bottle had leaked in my toiletries bag and infiltrated my tooth brush. At first I thought, "man this water tastes funny." Then, I was like "duh, shit man."
And after that, I got drunk and all was as grand as a 4th of July parade.

Oh, and ...
6: I was awakened this morning by a pair of calls to my cell phone at 4:30 am Pacific time. I answered the second and it was a co-worker asking me to cover her 1st period class. I kind of half croaked, "I'm in San Francisco," and then hung up.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:06 PM

 
I guess it's about time for an obligatory Southern hip-hop plug. If you haven't heard it, go ahead and download Rick Ross' stunning single "Everyday I'm Hustlin." I've heard some of the other tracks from the upcoming Port of Miami lp, and it all sounds pretty awesome.

If you haven't ever heard Trillville's "Man Up" single, found on the Hustle and Flow soundtrack, I recommend that you do sometime in the near future. It's pretty, err, wild.

While watching Dr. 90210 last night with Pswils, I learned about the existence of a hidden penis, which, when flaccid, tucks itself into a "penis cave" which sometimes extends into the abdomen. Gross.
posted by kenniebloggins at 8:59 PM