my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
We sat by the pool in the summer eating fritos, drinking beers and reading. I was trying to make my way through The Idiot for about the 10th time, but all I can remember about the book is the part discussing the execution. And, for some reason, I think it's pretty tangential to the overall plot. Oh, and somebody rides on a train. I remember that part. I always spied on this one svelte seemingly part-Asian woman at the pool because she resembled a dominatrix. She wasn't wearing black boots or anything, but I guess she kind of gave off this aura that she probably liked to take control of the situation. I can't even remember what she looked like, except that she was there every day sunning herself, and she never tanned at all. She never removed her Terminator glasses, either. She was pretty awesome and one time I wanted to go up and talk to her when we were the only two people at the pool. I was in the water on a float eating cheetos and drinking a PBR. I was a little drunk because cheetos kept falling into the pool, getting soggy and crumbling into orange nothingness. I didn't give a shit, though. I looked up at the far end of the pool and it seemed as if she was looking at me. I couldn't really tell because she was wearing those Gargoyle brand Terminator sunglasses, but I really think she was. That's when I almost made my move. I leaned forward, and then my beer slipped. and I almost had it before it spilled into the overly-chlorinated lukewarm water. I forgot about the Cheetos and the bag immediately disappeared from my possession forever. I looked at my chest and the hair upon it had tinges of orangey Cheetos settling in. I lost my confidence at that moment and decided to go in to see if I could catch the end of the French Open second round. I gathered my book and wrapped my towel around my dripping blue paisley swimsuit. I noticed she was reading the Tom Robbins book Skinny Legs and All. "I hate Tom Robbins," I shouted across the pool. She turned and might have looked at me, but still she remained silent. I left in half-defeat, thinking that beer really does taste better outdoors.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:39 PM

 
i got to hold on to my receipt!




this shit is shit-hot.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:09 AM

 
ruh roh!





NEWS ALERT! - JEAN GENET'S KILLER DIDN'T KILL HER!








Jean Genet
posted by scarnsworth at 1:30 AM

 
where, oh, saturday

i thought i had mustard on my hand but it was just juice from a piece of ham. beats the other day when i pissed on my thigh and thumb at the same time. it dried quick.


posted by scarnsworth at 10:42 PM

 
look at him. he is so small. yet he looks so aged.


AP



this is an albino pygmi monkey. he is a baby. he had a bro, but the little dude didn't make it. look at this guy! he looks like yoda! looks like my grandfather!
posted by scarnsworth at 1:41 PM

 
triple six


posted by scarnsworth at 2:25 AM

 
File under aged wisdom and fanciful lore...
originally published January 20, 2003

The stabbing pain stayed in my side during the first half-mile of the run. The combination of vegetable tamales and fried tostones I had eaten for lunch over four hours before at the newly-opened Pollo Loco establishment in my neighborhood was keeping me down, but I decided to suck things up, rub some dirt on it and keep at my New Year's fitness regimen. Although I felt pretty awful, the thought that I had true grit enough to continue my run gave me a deep sense of satisfaction. I could not even begin to hide my grin as I passed a couple of fat kids on scooters. At the mile mark, my stomach lurched and the pain resigned itself to submission. I was flying, in charge of my run. My thoughts began to soar with the possiblitiy of what I could accomplish. Not next week, not next year, not when I finished my degree- but today (or at least that's when I would actively begin realizing my potential.) I then imagined what my first accomplishment would be. It would be the invention of a card game like no other. A card game that elderly gentlemen will pause momentarily from picking at the hair/wax buildup in their ears to tell their grandchildren about. The kind of card game that's fun, not only for the participants but also for those lucky enough to witness the spectacle.....One that mixes the excitement of trading baseball cards with the full-on fervor of a bunch of retarded nannies on sherm at a Saturday night bingo shootout at the local VFW. The kind of card game that makes a man grab his genitals, slice his anus with a letter opener and pour habanero sauce in the wound while simultaneously taking a leap from the roof of the Dollar General and screaming at the top of his lungs,"THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME. SO LONG SWIZZLESTICK, Yr. FUCKED AS LONG AS I"M IN CONTROL HERE! ONCE MY CARD GAME TAKES OFF, I'M MOTHERFUCKING UNSTOPPABLE."
All of a sudden, I was whisked back to reality as I crashed into the stopsign on the corner. My head cracked against the curb and I could feel the coppery taste of my blood as my stomach went queasy. All of a sudden, I heard a group of children laughing. I couldn't believe what I saw- a group of fat kids of various sizes, all on scooters. They quit laughing and their eyes all oddly resembled Hershey's kisses as they began to circle me and come closer. I screamed....
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:17 AM

 
a tale of two toilets
aka - file this under file

oncet upon a time there were two toilets. one was name of browny and one was name of porcelainy. they were best friends. in their younger days they would look hot together. they would achieve. they would work all the day long (and into the night too) and never ask a whit from anyone save a quick brush 'neath the rim to get the excrement-plaque out. those were the good old days when the toilets were still getting fucked a lot and could take a flight of stairs without getting winded. that was a long time ago.
like all living things, the two friends began to grow old and decrepit. they began to forget things and cough and sputter a lot, but they remained steadfast in their friendship.
one fateful day, browny suffered a mortal injury to his insides causing them to leak out and all over the place. he leaked so badly and so much that the floor around him began to rot and eventually could not sustain his weight. browny was now basically living like a vegetable.
porcelainy, though as old as browny, was a lot more healthy and could still go to work everyday and bring home a paycheck, but browny's sickness was a devastating blow to him. tears welled up inside of porcelainy, and though he'd never before in his life, he began to weep. nothing -not even two plumbers- could stop his tears, and sadly, the floor around porcelainy begain to slowly rot too.
browny and porcelainy will be friends forever, even neath the soft grass of the commode graveyard. that is all fine and good, but when i go home and need to take a shit, i have to walk 2 blocks to the CVS and that pisses me off.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:48 PM

 
I enjoy watching Reggie Bush run because it's a lot like being the USC recruiter watching Ricky's highlight film in the living room while Doughboy and Stacy and Ride N Chris do their Crips thing on the porch. In that movie, I always like how the Crips dress and how Tre and Ricky aren't Crips, but Ricky whips that Blood's ass. Reggie is like that, except he will soon be doing this shit in non-preseason games against the awesomest football players the world can muster. He's like Walter Payton on Tecmo Bowl and not like Bo Jackson on Tecmo Bowl. I wish Nintendo would re-release Tecmo Bowl with Reggie as a secret player, kind of like Bill Clinton was a secret force in that old basketball game, the lone difference being that Bill Clinton can't ball in that particular sense and Reggie can presumably ball in both senses of the word. Have you ever noticed that rappers like Bill Clinton about as much as they do Bin Laden? Maybe one day rappers will like Reggie Bush as much as they do Bin Laden, which is quite a bit, if I am correct. I listen to a good bit of rap music, but I never hear rappers talking about the Colts and the Patriots. I bet House of Pain would rap about the Patties. I also heard from a kid that Whitney Houston started dating Bin Laden because she and Bobby Brown are pretty much over and than she and Bin Laden have been on that sniff together. If they have a kid, I wonder if the kid will be able to rock the house like Bobby did on the Tyra Banks show a few months back. Boy, that was something. A sign of the apocalypse, if anything. Especially one in which Bin Laden and Whitney are riding a white horse to the top of the charts. Astrological.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:34 PM

 
file this under file
hey babes, i was bored today and feeling nostalgic, so i decided to take a trip down memory lane. 2003 was most certainly the heyday of oceanchum and that's a fact. me and kennie were hittin on all 8 back then. i don't/can't write like this anymore, and after seeing Factotum last night i'm wondering if the booze has anything to do with it BUT LET'S NOT DWELL ON THAT DEAR READERS. here's a few entries from yours trlY. kennie, you should post some of your old faves sometime this week. Oceanchum is #1 in blogging in the USA!!! DEAL WITH IT!

----
i can't rest. it's the worst in the afternoons when i come home from work tired. i have soup lunch with wheat crackers and a piece of candy that i got for christmas as dessert then i fade into one of those things like a nap. one of those where it's like someone is smothering me with a soaking wet towel and i'm about to lose consciousness but i'm still awake and thinking. those are where the dreams come in like stink. this afternoon (in the dream) i was about to have coffee and a cookie at a cafe, but it was hard to breathe and i had this huge lump in my throat. an old friend was supposed to meet me there but hadn't arrived yet, and i was trying to read a newspaper but couldn't concentrate. my friend wasn't coming. then i saw my old snake yardly in the chair opposite me and he died. then i looked at the man at the table next to me and noticed he was dead and stinking too. he was wearing a sweat-stained brown suit, and he didn't have a forehead. then everything got so gray i couldn't see, and i vomited a capful of bile on my plate bloody and my eyelids swelled up. i woke up sweating and it was so fucking hot and thick and it was dark already. when is that new yo la tengo record coming out again? i can do without januaries.

-----
i was waiting in line to take a shower. there were already two guys in the combo tub/shower, but the curtain was pulled back to make more room and the water was getting all over the floor. they were just getting clean -- no funny business. there was one other guy in front of me waiting to get in the shower. actually it was a toss-up as to who was going to get in next, but when one of the guys in the shower finished bathing and got out, and i pretended to be busy over a motor trend magazine so i could go last. being apart ain't easy on this love affair. then one of the guys in the shower started cutting his hair and it started splattering all over the place. on the toilet, on the tiles, into the other guy's mouth, the usual. it smelled like skin rippling with sweat and my blisters were stinging so bad and starting to turn, and i thought about my old job as peals of laughter echoed throughout the bathroom.

-----
been delving into my candy dish a little bit too much lately. not enough into my vitamin dish. i'm probably growing polyps somewhere. that's how i feel. but i'm keeping clean as i can -- clean as a whistle. last night i drove through the streets alone and looked in windows. i saw a pretty girl trying on bras in front of her husband because the lights were on inside and it was dark outside. then the light turned green, so i kept on driving and eating my warm food, just looking around -- you know, because the lights were nice.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:58 AM

 
Okay, I have my busy-as-fucking-lowerregions of Ol' Scratch's balzac weekend checklist handy. It is listed below for your reading pleasure but mostly for my necessity.
1: Make sure that nice clothes are clean for sister's wedding.____
2: Make sure I don't spend all my money if I stop for any reason in Atlanta.___
3: Make sure that I go to the Volcano Hero party behind my house Friday night.___
4: Make sure I don't drink so much that I miss aforementioned sister's wedding.___
5: Make sure that I don't eat 10-12 slices of Totino's pizza.___
6: Make sure I make it to the bookstore or put in requests with pswils for graduate school books.___.
7: Make sure I conduct some research regarding the urban legends I plan to teach next week. ___.
8: Make sure to do at least 500 crunches and stick to the curls program in a major way.___
9: Make sure to jam a pool, especially the one at my parents' house.___
10: MAke sure to see upcoming mega-hit Snakes on a Plane.___
11: Make sure to eat some vegetables. No puking allowed this weekend.___
12: Make sure to go visit Maw-Maw's house.___
13: Make sure to jam some Chicken Comer's BBQ in Columbus.___
14: Make sure to study fantasy football draft options.___
15: Make sure to buy the new Athlon College Football Guide.___
16: Make sure to begin my lit. review for my Applied Project.___
17: Make sure to go check out the brown-and-orange Topsiders.___
18: MAke sure to make it out to Dan's birthday dinner on Sunday.___
19: Make sure to school Hillary on some all-time amazing rap skits.___
20: Make sure to jam some Depalma's primavera pizza and a brew or two tonight with pswils and deezy-e.
21: Make sure to call the Fairfield Resort bozos about my timeshare-viewing vacation.__
22: Make sure to finish Emerson's essay entitled "The American Scholar."
posted by kenniebloggins at 9:51 PM

 
A few brief movie reviews

The Descent: Oh, this is good. Oh, this isn't that much fun too watch. Oh, shit I'm squirming like I have bugs on my ass in here. Wait, that was hard but not too scary. Okay, that was scary as fuck.

Talladega Nights: John C. Riley rules like cheese grits and Will Farrel has a big ass when he wears denim shorts. I think I know those kids. Overall, this was pretty entertaining.

The Village: I heard this shit was terrible. Why are people scared of someone dressed like Red Riding Hood? Thank you pswils for telling me the ending so I could take a nap. Thank you On Demand for making this free.

Oliver Twist: I've only finished the first half, but so far it seems that Roman Polanski is dead on. The Artful Dodger is living up to his name and Young Oliver is a pretty swell guy.

Junebug: I was stoked when I saw Will Oldham at the beginning. I want one of that dude's paintings.I want it to be my head on that erupting blacksnake. Southern women's self-worth is judged by their propensity to worry, or at least that's what I've been told. If that theory is true, the mom in the movie is pretty damn top-notch. I remember covered dish suppers, not potlucks. Even though they get the characters right, it's just pretty okay I guess.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:17 AM

 
Hey did you know that Dolly Parton recently published her memoirs?
Yup, it's a book of mammaries!
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:16 AM

 
Oh lordy, my stomach folds inward following a bout of puking and bad weekend warriorship. I feel as if one of those wormy looking things from the classic horror/science fiction flick Tremors, starring Kevin Bacon, has crawled into my belly and is wallowing around like a big ole' channel cat. And who thinks it's a good idea to put Jack Daniels in the freezer and who thinks it's a better idea to fall asleep, wake up, get nekkid and sit in a tub with your frienz until you see the sun peaking out over the mountains while finishing off the bottle of Jack? And who thinks it's an even better idea to see how many pieces of different varieties of Totino's pizza can be consumed over a three day period? And I brushed my teeth and drank some pomegranate juice. And why do biscuits and gravy taste so damn good? I think it's becuz they milky with lumps, and my mama always told me not to drink the lumpy milk.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:12 AM

 
saturday rolls round again



what's up? nothing much here. yesterday after staying awake for 26 hours i ordered spicy buddha's delight and promptly fell into deep slumber before it arrived. before that there was a happy hour that made me sad when i realized only too late that the drinks were 10 dollars apiece. twenty bucks! that was as much as the fern plant that they had positioned by our table. n--- and i could have bought ourselves a whole big ol bottle of makers for that much. next time it's 2 4 1 4 sure.
then i awoke at 441 and thought it was 10 but it wasn't, so i crept into the kitchen and began eating n---'s cold chinese food thinking it was mine. thought about microwaving, but decided against it. decided instead to get my spicy buddha's delight and head back to the city circa 530. on the train with the men who work early on saturdays and the homeless i sat quietly with a bag of chinese food on my lap. an old coworker boarded my car and sat across from me at one point, but i stared stolidly out the window and disembarked the train at the next stop without acknowledging her.
at the exit of the station sat this old homeless that i saw yesterday walking into traffic. he was wearing a shirt that had a pic of elvis in all his glory with the word "today" below it. there was another pic next to elvis of a skull and beneath that the word "tomorrow". i was like fuck.
it's nice walking around when motherfuckers aren't doing construction . 6 is a good time for walks. i sent a message to v---- because i was feeling good and he wrote "you woke me up". it was ok though. he had a bus to catch.
when i made it back to my place i decided on microwaving and had spicy buddha's delight finally before the clock struck 630. then i took off my socks and put on some sandals and went for coffee. i wondered about the coffee girl and how she seemed so fresh-faced at 7 and thought how she must've been up at 530 too. i thought about the sacraments required in opening the coffee shop for the day, and how she probably has a long day ahead of her with it being a saturday and people having the time to leisurely stroll in for coffee and pastries as they read how sky terror was narrowly averted and scratch their dogs asses in their flip flops and weekend uniforms. walking with coffee i realized that now they were doing construction and there were big trucks all over the place. give a man a break for chrissakes! oh wait, i did get that pre-dawn respite. i even saw the guy at the bagel shop yawning as he was getting ready for the day in the kitchen of that new place! that's a moment.
"what will the day bring?", you ask? probably laundry, maybe a bloody or two, maybe some dress shopping, some corn, a bridge, a park, maybe a record. any suggestions?
maybe n--- and me will go see the descent again tomorrow.
posted by scarnsworth at 8:30 AM

 
Oh, it's Friday night and I have a hot date with a beauty in a tight fuschia mini, flaxen curls to the waist and we just so happen to be dodging the Yakuza. I guess we''ll pop into Club Voltaire to check out the skinny. Oh shit, Gwar's on stage fucking it up. Oh hell, it's a burner. This is by far the best Mystery Date I'll ever encounter.
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:32 PM

 
Okay, since the beginning of my school year, I have heard administrators and a handful of Social Studies pedagogues use the old science fiction catch phrase "Danger, Will Robinson." Today, a buffoon of a guy used it as a red light on copy machine began flashing. However,these words have been used at various junctures with no connection to either flashing red lights or dangerous situations. I've heard that phrase more than I have heard kids inanely trying to emulate the rhyme stylings of Young Jeezy. I think if I hear it again, I'm going to shit in some American History teacher's eye. I shit you not.
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:30 PM

 
what a week

yesterday i got a call from a number i didn't recognize so i let it go straight to voicemai which is s.o.p. in my book. well it's a good thing i did, because now it is recorded forever and always so i can regale peeps at parties and bars and subway cars with it. yes, samuel l. jackson himself, in the FULL-THROTTLE AD CAMPAIGN THAT MUST BE COSTING THEM MILLIONS, called my ass up on the phone to tell me to get on that "noisy ass subway and get your ass to the nearest theater to see SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE."
let that sink in.
i was already going to see this movie. shit, i was even looking forward to seeing this movie. but now it's off the chain. this movie is going to be bigger than passion, pirates, and shit something else that starts with a p that's awesomely huge.
you can't beat that. now i'm just going to sleep through the rest of my weekend because i know that there's nowhere but down from here.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:30 AM

 
so kennie

did they really call fidel "the old fireballer" or what?
posted by scarnsworth at 3:15 AM