my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
Man, life hovers, errrrrrr, no it soars. I googled a guys name that broke somebody's leg when I played peewee league football, and I received nothing in return. He was a legend, and I can't even google his name and find him. I can't even google my own name and find myself, so I feel lucky if I can actually figure out how old Joe Paterno really is.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:20 AM

 
SNAKE EYES

me and kennie bloggins, that's right, the oceanchum duo, are going to sunny Las Vegas this weekend! we will be visiting dehumidifier probably and also winning tons of cash! anybody got any advice you can post it below.
posted by scarnsworth at 12:34 PM

 
the butcher of sagdad



did you guys realize that saddam could be executed before the year is out? i'm not positive, but i think i heard that the verdict for the dujail trial is set to be read on october 16, and if the sentence is death, it will be carried out in 30 days. the defense has 20 days to appeal, but is that seriously going to work? it's death by hanging too, so it's extra bizzare!
i could be completely wrong on this.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:16 AM

 
junichiro!





we hardly knew ye.

the new japanese pm shinzo abe may well be the youngest to take the reins since WWII, but what his youth can't and will never be able to afford him is the character and vigor of my main man junichiro koizumi. it wasn't necessarily his fervent passion for elvis presley or his cool hair-do that made me love him so well; it was a certain je ne sais quoi, a charm and passion that kept him rising to the top of my lists - of heros, favorite world leaders, and top dignified persons au generale.

perhaps it was his stony visage, handsome and vigorous, vaguely resembling america's very own “john”, our officer and a gentleman mr. richard blaine gere himself. perhaps it was the modest timidity with which he climbed aboard his segway scooter for the first time (a gift of friendship from our benevolent president george w. bush) and scuttled in fervent spurts around the room for only a moment before hopping off with a sheepish blush, or was it the flagrant daring with which he straddled the scooter months later, hurtling towards his office on his morning commute with confidence and bravado, bridle and helmet be damned! perhaps it was the way that he liked to wear short sleeved shirts to the office to keep cool, setting an example for the japanese everyman, cutting down on ac and energy consumption and providing some relief from the searing heat for the the undulating glut of tokyo humanity. perhaps it was that his name was fun to say. perhaps it was that bachelor lifestyle of his that we all came to know so well, something which also endears me to my main man special prosecutor patty fitzgerald (although I doubt if koizumi’s floor is adorned with as many corpses of papa john’s pizza boxes and dorito bags like mr. p. fitz’s. not to mention the sundry copies of swank magazine scattered askance on his single mattress.)

the fact is it’s all of these things together that make it hard for me today. I wonder what he’ll do next? I hear that they have to pick an asian for the next secretary general (it will be sad to see you go too kofi!) and one can only hope that they will forget about that afghan that they’ve got in mind and convince old juni to helm the UN for the next few years! let’s start a letter writing campaign!

Arriverderci Junichiro! I’ll miss ya, you old hairy dog.




posted by scarnsworth at 2:52 AM

 
i love kofi

what would happen if i applied head-on directly to another part of my body?

hugo chavez - that fucking chomsky-ite!

also, lotta stuff going on in belarus today:

Belarus court upholds opposition leader's sentence

MINSK, Sept 19 (Reuters) - A court in Belarus on Tuesday upheld a 5 1/2-year prison term imposed on an opposition figure who challenged the re-election bid of President Alexander Lukashenko, accused in the West of crushing rights.
Alexander Kozulin, one of two opposition politicians who challenged Lukashenko in the March poll, played a key role in protests sparked by official results that gave the president 83 percent of the vote to six for his nearest rival.

also, mahmoud ahmadinejad - what a good looking short man. he's my favorite short world leader. close runners up are john howard. and possibly wen jiabao, but i think i'm swayed by his name. (it sounds neat, but 'wen' actually means "harmless cyst"). jalal talabani could be my favorite fat world leader. he fat as hell.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:06 AM

 
what is the deal?

i just heard the phrase,

"i think giant squid and sperm whale fight furiously, as in myth."

i thought this was just a movie about divorce. are there really legends of these animals battling? if so, where can i read them? does google books have it?


posted by scarnsworth at 1:04 PM

 
due to the angry nature of this posting and the fact it has nothing to do with belarus it has been removed by the poster.
posted by scarnsworth at 10:45 AM

 
rooting around!

hi guys. tell me, why was Daphne Zuniga never a star?? she was in the fly 2 and made a few appearances on the outer limits, and maybe a guest spot as a rape victim on L&O: svu, but stardom? she never made it and i will never know why!



also, why do none of the women i know crimp out their hair like this? hair crimpers, wherefore art thou!
posted by scarnsworth at 11:31 PM

 

posted by kenniebloggins at 1:40 AM

 

More options 9:53 am (8 hours ago)

So, I learned to Chicken Noodle Soup. It's kinda like the snap dance for hip-hop neoprohibition-era juke joint retards. This shit's straight from Harlem. Let it rain, yo.
posted by kenniebloggins at 9:29 PM

 
hey there lonley girl...

soooooo, as alert readers caddy and darkness have pointed out, the lonleygirl15 mystery has been solved! sort of ...
according to a posting on the fan forum for lonelygirl15,

Thank you so much for enjoying our show so far. We are amazed by the overwhelmingly positive response to our videos; it has exceeded our wildest expectations. With your help we believe we are witnessing the birth of a new art form. Our intention from the outset has been to tell a story-- A story that could only be told using the medium of video blogs and the distribution power of the internet. A story that is interactive and constantly evolving with the audience.

and the mystery is unraveling even further as some adroit internet stalker types found bree's (aka lonleygirl) real myspace page and a cached photobucket site. i couldn't see any of the pics on photobucket but here's a lame youtube montage on it. [thanks to stereogum]
ah, it's so unfortunate, it was creepy and weird while it was going on and now it just seems as lame as the blair witch project did after it was released. though i guess it is interesting as an "artform". what do you think?
posted by scarnsworth at 2:05 AM

 
Come bless me with your beauty, cutie.


I like the kids' drawings in Freddy's Dead. But this post isn't about Nightmare on Elm Street. It's about how I love slow jams to no end. However, I feel the time is nigh to re-express my love for a contemporary slow jam, and that bit of aural sweetness would have to be Bobby Valentino's "Slow Down." It was released in 2005 and fucking rocked me with its early 90s sweet sexy sensitivity. It's a pretty straight forward love ballad that stays out of the way of vocal theatrics, for the most part, but it's the contemporary love ballad to which I would most likely enjoy sparking a romantic moment or 60. In my favorite verse of the song, he sings:
A butterfly tattoo
Right above your navel
Your belly button's pierced too just like I like it girl
Come take a walk with me
You'll be impressed by
The game that I kick to you...
I think it's because he's singing about the butterfly tattoo and the pierced belly button that make this song so awesome. Those are two beautifications that, in the year 2005, I would find completely unsensual, but here, Bobby V totally sensualizes the look in a way in which the listener gets a good idea of just how fine the woman in song might be.
And it's easy to think that Bobby V. peaks with that verse, but later he adds "Like a flower fully bloomed in the summertime, you're ready
To be watered by this conversation, you're ready
I'm in awe cause you shine like the sun
Let me be the one to enjoy you
Let's kick it girl."
After I hear these words, I have no other recourse than to be so fucking floored. What game and the spitting thereof!

It's really awesome when Freddy becomes a Nintendo game.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:57 AM

 
Freddy's Dead is on cable right now, and Freddy is about to give ear service to some fucking nerd. Wavy Lay's taste like cold fried chicken, which makes it pretty copacetic while one is bivouacked on the couch with a PBR on the table. Time is money and getting wasted for free ain't shit, especially when one is listening to mundane conversation over that Hurricane song when white candles are melting into bottles of port. Do you remember when rats were here, rustling though overly tall grass to catch the crumbs of a hamburger or a veggie dog? Or perhaps they just wanted to suck up the spilled floaters before they evaporated. That house may turn Amityville if anything positive is to happen. Batshit craziness.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:49 AM

 
you belong to the city

i need to get one of those nimtendos that you play on the subways.


posted by scarnsworth at 1:22 AM

 
This has been a busy/trying week and a half. Here goes:
a: The Wickerman is probably the most unecessary remake I have ever seen. It's awesome watching Nicholas Cage punch feminist Wiccans in the face, though.

b: Lucky Wing is pretty good. I didn't get the "lifetime supply of french fries" that the woman from UGA food services in Aderhold promised, but the onion rings and the wangs sufficed.
c: I don't need to work two nights a week at night school.
d: I finally purchased the Funky Kingston 2 comp. on Trojan records. It's awesome. The Bobby Callender disc I bought rules as well.
e: Early release days at school fucking suck.
f:I'm extremely grateful for the Gang Identification Training manual (circa 1988) given to me by my school. Now I know that HOYAS stands for Hoover On Your ASS Sucker, and that NIKE stands for Never Illing Killing Everybody. I'm sure this info will come in handy when I am able to teleport back to 1998 and help Sean Penn bust some Bloods.
g: I also learned that Crips are fond of British Knights because BK stands for "Blood Killer." So, which restaurant do Crips favor? By applying simple logic it becomes easy to ascertain that any half-decent Crip would dine daily in the BK Lounge.
h: There's something about wedding weekends, friends and football that drives a man to the drinking lifestyle.
i: Beer Brats rule and veggie brats drool.
j: Vive le frogs. Frog patrol hits Vegas on Sept. 30.
posted by kenniebloggins at 8:34 PM

 
you feel good don't you? real good don't you?




i took this picture when walking through tomkins square park. only kidding dear readers, that is a slender loris! and they don't live in tomkins square park! now a slender doris, a slender doris will probably blow you for five bucks and a few dominoes over there in tomkins square park, but these things you only see in zoos and vietnam! it's the cousin of the sloth!
posted by scarnsworth at 11:44 AM

 
saw this show the other day




they're so much better than they used to be (if that's even possible). unfortunately n---- and i left the show before the lovely m.i.a. stormed the stage to do a guest appearance with spank rock.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:14 AM

 
hey there

so readers, what's the deal with lonleygirl15?
i just heard about this today. wtf is going on here?
posted by scarnsworth at 11:30 AM

 
this post is called "early lunch after a meditative morning pretending to look at the hudson while ogling a leggy blonde stretching before her morning run"

i have spent a lot of cash this weekend jack, and what do i have to show for it? not a thang. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying i don't want to spend 40 dollars on lunch today, ya heard. enough beating around the bush. i've been up since 745 walking around the island and growing hungrier and hungrier by the second. i almost stopped at burritoville for some tacos but i figured they weren't open yet. then i almost went to the cow for a steak sandwich, but then i figured i'd end up quaffing the complimentary bloodys and i didn't want to get drunk before the GGD show at the pool. so what did i decide to do instead? make a turkey sandwich at home. i thought that i could meet n--- at the himalayan place around 1 for an additional food item if i needed one and sandwich plus whatever food they serve at a himalayan place would equal one satiated scarnsworth, but when i got home and poured out all the empties that were lying around the apartment like so many swollen bums wallowing on their spread out new york posts in the doorways of condemned buildings sleeping past 11am on a sunday morning and then finished sweeping all the mysterious leaves and debris scattered about the floor into two piles and dumping those piles into the stinking stinking garbage can, i pulled the ham and turkey and mustard out of the fridge and cracked open a yeungling and got excited about maybe watching a tennis match or maybe eating the sandwich and drinking the beer and easing my hand down the front of my pants to press the sleep button in order to take a nap, but after i slathered the horseradish mustard on both sides of the bread i discovered that the turkey was coated with a thin film of a moucous like substance! motherfucker! i put it on the bread anyway, and then added some fresher ham to complete the sandwich, but it was too late for i had already lost my appetite. now i'm listeing to vincent gallo as a deep ocean of apathy is crawling out from under the dusty couches and swallowing me up in this cool dark apartment on a bright sunny sunday. what will i have for lunch? n-- just had the wherwithal to send me a txt saying she'd be here directly. i'll wait on her and maybe go to that himalayan place. or maybe get a sandwich in soho. sunday brunch for me just doesn't do it. it depresses me. i like the unhinged godhead of a saturday brunch much better. sanctuary! i can not fucking believe that pitcher last night had moldy spores in it. i got news for you guys, if anyone ever says, "hey guys! this beer tastes like a cheese ball!" don't drink the rest of the pitcher. also, if an old pool playing wino says, "get out of my way or i'll fart on your face." resist the urge to snatch away his pool cue and shatter it across his putrid spine. i mean, just think, you'll be going home to jack off to the coolest porn on the internet and he'll be trying to spread that ny post out all over the entrance to the condemned building so he can catch himself forty stinky winks.
posted by scarnsworth at 11:37 AM

 
You guys (not y'all- I hate that shit because it's like the calling card of faux ass Southerners, and, basically, sometimes you say it and sometimes you don't. If you're straight, you've probably said y'allses at some part in your life, and if you have never even seen this happen then you ain't truly deep Southern) don't know this about me. I was placed in my crib with the University of Alabama Roll Tide 1974 schedule poster over it. My father filled it out as Bama won every game. It was plain but intriguing. Big Al was at the top. Some ads were present, but that's irrelevant. Undefeated season in 1974. My dad's block print scoring. Disputed National Championship. He sent the message. Life doesn't start any better than this (except when an "un" is employed before the disputed).
ROLL TIDE ROLL!
posted by kenniebloggins at 3:10 AM

 
We don't need no water. Let that shit evaporate into the dust...

My dick ain't no dress shirt. My dick's a curtain.
The Commodores without Lionel Richie are on the Night Shift.
I
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:58 AM