my black eye? dracula, where's leatherface? sucking off frankenstein? i like candy.

 
tyrant

i just saw the pictures of saddam with the noose around his neck and let me just say that i'm fucking revulsed by them. i hesitate even mentioning this because i feel that it will give this post an air of levity that i don't want, but when i first read this article a few years ago i thought how hilarious it was that a cruel and ruthless dictator like hussein could have a dorito habit and be a neat freak and i began to think of him as an avuncular old gent. it humanized the man. thinking of him in real life paramiters instead of some sort of darth vader-like nefarious figure mitigates the triumphant feeling one would have when watching him twitch from a rope. that motherfucker george bush. this is what he's wanted all along, and we can all rest assured that the verdict in the trial was sped up to coincide with the low approval rating induced "surge" of troops we're about to be blessed with in iraq. listen, in a country that people can still be hung it's no wonder that motherfuckers are getting holes drilled in their legs and eyes and dying by the dozens daily. it's fucking barbarism and thinking that more u.s. troops are going to staunch this hemorrhaging is nothing more than an afternoon frolic in the elysian fields. honestly i was supporting the effort over the past summer and fall because i began to buy into the line that the iraqis deserved "freedom". now seeing these images of a motherfucking hanging and reading the articles on how the ministers in the "government" and even JALAL FUCKING TALABANI the president of iraq are directing the actions of us forces in these bullshit fucking sectarian battles makes me realize just how much better things were under saddam. it's so disgusting. barbaric. brutal. uncivilized. primitive. vulgar. anyone with any sense and a dime to their name is getting the fuck out of the country because now the barbarism that was once controlled with an iron fist has been unleashed. yay religion! have fun drilling holes into each other stupid fucks. i don't give a shit anymore.

>
posted by scarnsworth at 12:50 PM

 
what's going on in belarus!


picture sent in by alert reader v/ via AP
A Belarusian villager puts wood into a stove to warm her house in the village Gaina, 45 km (28 miles) north of Minsk, Belarus, Tuesday, Dec. 26, 2006.

MINSK, Dec 27 (Reuters) - Belarus showed no sign of bowing

to Russian pressure on proposed steep gas price rises,

suggesting it would not allow Gazprom to send supplies through

its pipelines unless a 2007 deal was clinched by the New Year.

"We are inter-dependent. If I don't have a domestic gas

supply contract, Gazprom won't have a transit deal," Belarus's

Deputy Prime Minister Vladimir Semashko said at Minsk airport

late on Tuesday after his return from failed talks in Moscow.

as far as i can tell, gazprom can do whatever the hell they want. i'm not sure exactly what "transit deal" this dep. prime minister is referring to, but last year gazprom switched the gas off completely to Ukraine. they eventually turned it back on after three, days, but my feeling is that belarus is going to have to cave to the might of gazprom. i can see this situation heating up, if you'll pardon the pun, because the belorussian government seemingly gives not a shit for the general populace and would probably let them freeze instead of paying the over double price that the state energy giant gazprom's proposing - but at the same time, isn't the greed here unmuthafukin believable?
posted by scarnsworth at 11:41 PM

 
How I spent my Xmas(Or how I spent my perennially least favorite 24-hour period of the year)

12:00 a.m. I continue working on the 12 pack of Guiness Draught my brother-in-law bought me for Christmas. I'm only about six brews into my eve at this point.
12:30 a.m I begin making my contribution to the family's Christmas feast, which will occur at a seemingly early noontime starting period. This year's contribution is a mac-n-cheese dish featuring sharp cheddar, goat cheese, and parmesan. It cooks slowly, but I am pleased with the results.
1:00 a.m. I open the top on another Guiness and begin Playing NCAA Football 2007 on PS2. My team (Alabama) loses to Mississippi State, beats Alabama State, loses to Troy and begins losing to FIU before I restart the game. I suck at video games, and my losses seem to mirror Bama's tumultous season. I become depressed and open another beer.
2:00 a.m. I look at this blog and check my email and Myspace. I read Deadspin. Of course, no one has written me because it's 2:30 a.m. on Christmas Day.
2:45 a.m. I open my last Guiness of the evening and begin watching Beerfest for the second time. I fall in and out of sleep on my parents couch during the movie and awake at 10:30 a.m.
11:15 a.m. I begin another game of NCAA Football and lose to yet another opponent. I drink a Diet Coke and opt to not take a shower or shave before Christmas dinner.
Noon Lunch begins with my father saying grace. Lunch is awesome. My mac-n-cheese is a hit, but mom's twice baked potatoes are the best. My father is more sedate than usual and doesn't make any corny jokes about the food, the neighbors or other family members. I think he is too busy eating this year to cut the fool.
12:30 p.m. Lunch is over. I play Shane, my brother-in-law, in NCAA Football 2007 and manage to beat his USC team with my top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes on a last-second field goal. This is the highlight of my day.
1:30 p.m.-3:00 p.m. I have no idea what I did during this time frame, but I think I just zoned out and counted my blessings.
3:30 p.m.- I embark upon a long walk around my neighborhood, while chatting with Noella and Rip via cell phone. All the young neighborhood kids are out riding their new mini dirt bikes and go karts. I envy them to a massive extent, but I am rather enjoying this portion of the day.
4:45 p.m. I come inside and begin watching Dallas play Philadelphia in an underwhelming performance. Tony Romo does shit for our fantasy team and I decide to play another game of NCAA Football. This time the Tide loses to UCONN. Hope does not exist.
5:30 p.m. My grandmother, father and mother sit down to feast upon leftovers. I decline politely before joining them and eating another complete, carb-infused meal. I then return to watching the football game.
7:00 p.m. I decide to take another walk and this time I talk to pswils. I come back inside and check my fantasy results before the start of the New York Jets/Dolphins contest. I engage in a conversation with my dad during which we diss the Cowboys, The Falcons and talk about how The Giants will be looking for a coach in a week. My dad says there is no way in hell that Nick Saban will leave the Dolphins to come to Bama. He asks, "Would you rather hang out on South Beach checking out fine pieces of ass, or would you rather move to Tuscaloosa, take a two million dollar annual pay cut, have bricks tossed through your window and be called a 'No Good sonofabitch' until you're fired." His question is rhetorical.
10:15 p.m. After a scoreless first half of football, my dad and I decide to watch Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid I enjoy the movie while eating a tofurkey sandwich on a sub roll. Then I doze off. I wake up to watch the second half of the movie, which is awesome. My dad goes to bed and I check the clock. The most boring 24 hours of every year is officially over.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:21 AM

 
The What The Snowman Means to Me Contest is over, and the winners have been decided. Jen from feverishundulation won first place with her original drawing entitled "Young Jeezy and Gucci Mane," and dehumidifier claimed second with her rendition of Jeezy the Dinosaur. Impressive showings from all contestants really made judging this contest overshadow the true spirit of xmas, which involves getting paid and getting fucked up and is certainly where I aim to situate myself for the next eight days. Happy holidays, everyone.
posted by kenniebloggins at 12:16 AM

 

this christmas i learn no lessons!!
posted by scarnsworth at 11:42 PM

 
The What The Snowman Means to Me contest ends on Christmas Night at 11:59 p.m. The winner will be announced once we clear our heads of our xmas cheer. I think I committed a well-deserved faux pas tonight at my fam's yearly yuletide gathering by turning off the Christmas music on Sunny 100 and proclaiming that I would rather stab myself in the face before listening to any more Christmas carols. Fuck if I wasn't serious.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:41 PM

 


Crime Mob Goes to College
This video has been around for a wee bit, but it's nice to see that the crunkest kids have graduated and moved on to Crunk University. Ladies, it's time to pledge Crunk Phi Crunk.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:22 PM

 

This is what McGringo wants for xmas. You get to guess the team.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:13 AM

 


Walk it Out like them Tift County Blue Devils
This is my favorite high school-related clip of the year. Deadspin called it the best sports-oriented music video of all-time. I especially like that Lil Trill basically taught the entire county The Snap Dance by calling it The Devil Walk. Also notice how the song is really just "Body Rock."
posted by kenniebloggins at 6:16 PM

 
get off the cross stupid christian, we need the wood

i just caught joel osteen on larry king and lemme tell you, it reminded me of just how happy i am to be an atheist. yes, happy to be one of the most maligned minorites in america and indeed on the planet. in a survey taken in 2001 after 9/11, most people have would prefered their sons or daughter's to marry muslim than to marry an atheist. hurrah for the little guy.
but that's not the point - what i want to know is who put the feather up all the christians in the world's asses? and why do they all speak with a southern accent? larry is an atheist (or an agnostic at least) and that's why i keep watching this joel osteen motherfucker. just to see if larry's incredulousness asks some shaking questions. and he does.
i would reckon it be equitable to believe the shit that psychic sells on montel than to believe the smack this guy is saying. this guy, with his buxom sports illustrated swimsuit issue edition wife. i wish i could have one single day where i spout the shit that comes out of this guy's mouth all day long and then get blown by that 6'3" supermodel in the remains of the day. unmuthafukin believable. that fucking millionaire.
best thing i heard all week:

"20 percent of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. There is an obvious truth here that cries out for acknowledgment: if God exists, He is the most prolific abortionist of all.”
-sam harris; "letter to a christian nation"

posted by scarnsworth at 3:52 AM

 
This post has nothing to do with Young Jeezy, though the newcomers may wanna play catchup with the Gangsta Grillz series. This post is basically a shoutout to Ripscrote's naysay about the "Chronicles of Narnia" bourghie rap b.s. on Saturday Night Live last year. I was basically in the "whatever" mode last year, and now the fucking rave is the "Dick in the box" song, which I feel is worth a chortle at best. Who the fuck really watches Saturday Night Live, and if you do, why do you watch it? And why do people who blog feel that it's important to repost the one "funny" per year the show offers? The joke basically references Color Me Bad(d?), a completely bland pop/soul malfunction of my later high school years. Why is that even interesting if it was completely banal in the early 1990s? I think people want reasons to validate why they would even watch that shit in the first place. Saturday Night Live fucking sucks and has sucked any time I've been forced to watch it during the last decade or so. Deal with it.Scarnsworth, you say the sooth. And on other fronts, Bill Cosby's Himself, or at least that's what I think it's called, is so fucking starchy, didactic and drab. It just makes me think how much Richard Pryor's comedy stands up against, err, fucking everything. I'm going to bed. Suck me off before watching Dana Carvey play Garth or something.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:53 AM

 
Does your shit look cuter than a baby komodo dragon? Shit is doubtful. Why does tater tot casserole need to be paired with multiple cream of soups? Why do tater tots cooking smell so good? Why don't more people say "hurky jerky?". Why is Bill Cosby's tie so fat. Why doesn't LL tip on 44s? Amerikkka has a problem isn't as good as I would have ever loved it to be. Pickle juice rules. Dottie Joe Pickles is the best. Get well soon, honeydip. I'm burnin' this one.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:56 AM

 
What the business is? word on the street, Jeezy know how to handle his. Bitch GET YA MIND RiGHT/ Let me talk to em...



When I think about Jeezy, I think about the movie The Toy. And then I think about Brewster's Millions and then the movie Juice, cuz you gotta know the ledge.
posted by kenniebloggins at 3:23 AM

 
young jeezasaurus



this is dehumidifier's entry into the "what inspires you?" seven days of jeezy contest we're holding here on oceanchum! get your entries in soon!
posted by scarnsworth at 9:13 PM

 
this shit is like al qaeda


posted by scarnsworth at 3:13 PM

 
ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy



thaaaatt's riiiiigghhhtt!
posted by scarnsworth at 1:58 PM

 
On the 4th Day of Jeezy, Oceanchum gave to me...

www.viceland.com/issues/v12n5/htdocs/exquisite.php

This is an exellent noninterview that Vice conducted with Jeezy from last year. Guys, the contest ain't bullshit. Get your minds right and win something for once in your life.
posted by kenniebloggins at 6:08 PM

 
From the depths of oceanchum...Snowman, Bitch

It's day three of the Seven Days of Jeezy here at Oceanchum. I've given The Inspiration an initial listen, and it seems as if the full-on Jeezy assault doesn't really begin until the second half. Anyway, I searched our archives to find my first Jeezy post on July 12, 2005. It's reposted below, sans awesome Jeezy photo.

Peep this if you wanna see who the hottest street hustla is/is about to be. The stuff I've heard from Trap or Die just scorches. I can't wait for the album to drop, and if don't believe me, peep this

And if you think this man ain't serious, just ask Gucci Mane.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:20 AM

 
belarus update!

kozulin ended his hunger strike yesterday at the urging of his wife. also milinkevich dedicated his sakharov prize to kozulin saying, "of course it is for him." i'm a day late with this news, but i didn't want to deluge the blog with news of belarusians. forgive me, and believe this; if you want the latest up-to-date breaking stories from belarus, keep your browsers and your trousers pointed in this direction my frangs - i will keep you informed! real talk!

(also! post to come in the near future: 'how i almost met jeezy last night' - for a quick lowdown on the sitch, check cokie b's update over at mezzy )
posted by scarnsworth at 12:07 PM

 
'Tis the Season of The Snowman, Man.

So, Young Jeezy's second major release, The Inspiration(also known as Thug Motivation 102) hit the chain stores yesterday, and, as noted by our pals at mesmerization eclipse, this record means a good bit to a lot of us. I remember the February of 2005, the month of pill experimentation and planning drunken spelling bees, when I first heard Young Jeezy and Bun B on "Over Here," (this ins't counting his part on Gucci Mane's "Icy"), which immediately led to my downloading of the majority of Trap or Die and Come Shop With Me within the next week or so. Since then, Jeezy has never failed to deliver. So, in the holiday spirit of things, I pronounce this week as The Seven Days Jeezy!-- on Oceanchum. We will be hosting our "What the Snowman Means to Me" contest with prizes for the most ultimate essays, short stories, anecdotes, artwork, drug deals and tight flows dedicated to Jeezy. Tell us what inspires you.
posted by kenniebloggins at 11:45 AM

 
And what a pleasantly boring weekend I enjoyed

The last week or so has been somewhat trying and a bit on the ennui-filled side, but I am readying myself for a vacation of sorts, I guess.
a: Stomach viruses don't get any easier as one ages. However, promethazine produces anti-vomiting tendencies and twenty-hour bouts of sleeping. I highly recommend its consumption following an afternoon spent on one's knees puking into the dying grass outside the Athens Regional Clinic in Watkinsville while some country gentleman exuberantly yells to "Let it all come out."
b: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift is easily the most mediocre of the three movies. Drift racing was a lot cooler on youtube. Maybe the kid who played Mike Winchell in Friday Night Lights should stick to movies that take place in Texas and are based on books about high school football in Odessa-Permian circa 1989.
c: I bought some Dr. Martens. I shit you not.
d: Not drinking on the weekends doesn't really produce any more productivity than drinking.
e: My favorite shirt I've ever seen was brought to my attention by J-Ro. It's Crimson and in white letters reads "No I will not coach your legendary college football team."
f: The Inspiration: Thug Motivation 102 drops today. Y'all 'cited?
g: A new film has been added to my "to see" list for the Xmas season, though I'll probably hate it. The remake of Black Christmas drops on Xmas Day, which probably means that I'll be pretty dissatisfied following my yearly visit to one of Columbus's Carmike Cinemas after my family's Xmas meal.
h: I'm contemplating finally breaking down and getting a Playstation 2. Or should I get a Wii instead? I'd rather kill people and shit than play with bananas and shit, though.
posted by kenniebloggins at 1:59 PM

 
what's going on in belarus? milinkevich wins the Sakharov human rights prize today!

Belarussian opposition chief wins EU rights prize
By Jeff Mason
STRASBOURG, France, Dec 12 (Reuters) - Belarussian President
Alexander Lukashenko's most prominent opponent received the
European Parliament's human rights prize on Tuesday in the
West's latest broadside at "Europe's last dictatorship".
Alexander Milinkevich, who lost to Lukashenko in March polls
condemned by the European Union and the United States as rigged,
won the award as the EU stepped up moves to isolate
Moscow-backed Lukashenko and his top officials with travel bans
and information campaigns targeting ordinary Belarussians.
"We all know that dictators do not survive for long,"
Milinkevich, who won a standing ovation, said in his speech to
accept the prize, named after Soviet nuclear scientist turned
rights activist Andrei Sakharov.
"This prize is for all those in the prisons, expelled from
university or fired from work. It is the prize for all those who
continue fighting for freedom -- they are many," he told a
plenary sitting of the parliament in Strasbourg

if this prize is for "all those in the prisons, expelled from university or fired from work." then i think the United States could offer a couple of stellar candidates.
posted by scarnsworth at 9:30 AM

 
what's going on in belarus!!

MINSK, Dec 11 (Reuters) - The wife of a Belarussian opposition leader said on Monday prison authorities had barred her from visiting her husband until he ended a 52-day hunger strike, raising further fears about the state of his health.
Alexander Kozulin, one of two opposition figures who challenged President Alexander Lukashenko's re-election, is serving a 5-1/2 year term for his role in protests that
following the proclamation of the results in March.

apparently he has lost 30 kg's (66 lbs)! possibly garnering him the starring role in "the machinist 2"!!

posted by scarnsworth at 9:07 AM

 
I haven't really given the deserved attention to Showtime's Masters of Horror series, though I am always intending to watch some episodes. On this cold Sunday morn, I decided to peruse the series' 18th installment, which is produced by Dario Argento, stars Meatloaf and is appropriately entitled "Pelts." The synopsis of the episode succintly states, "A fur trader (Meat Loaf) who wants to make the perfect raccoon coat uses supernatural pelts that turn violently on those who covet covers made of animal skins." My interest was piqued immediately follwing the summation, and I found the episode to exceed my rather large expectations. In the first scene, Meatloaf goes to a strip club, sexually harasses a stripper while reciving a private dance, hisses at her and then leaves. The next scene shows an old fur trapper and his son taking care of business with a bevvy of large raccoons. Then the bloodletting begins. Vengeance-minded, possessed raccoon coats provide the motivation for some grisly mutilations, tits abound and Meatloaf drops a quick 25 lbs. the hard way in one of the most PETA friendly horror movies of all-time. In other words, Argento's "Pelts" fuckin' rules.
posted by kenniebloggins at 2:30 PM

 
this is mindblowing



posted by scarnsworth at 9:44 AM

 
While nearing the 48th hour of the stomache virus

Ahh, the stomach virus. In my childhood, you were the bane of my existence, causing me to miss Halloween one year and important youth football games during another. It was always amazing to think about how Ii would be feeling great, and then sixty minutes later, I would be puking and shitting my way through intense fever, writhing around in the bed when I wasn't dashing for the bathroom or puking in the bed. How I miss thee, kidney-shaped bedpan, the color of olive green, and mom's crushed ice, sucked gently through two layers of paper towels. And the strawberry jello during day two, and the coca-cola, and, finally, the chicken noodle soup and the saltines. And how much Canadian football does an eight-year-old need to watch, anyway?
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:27 AM

 
grubby sweaters

it was only 430 but the sun was already down and everything had that haze of dusk about it that you tend to only get in the 9 o'clock hour of summer. everyone seemed to be paying attention to this fact and at the very least the air they gave off was that of 'i'm heading home for supper' - kids in oversized jackets, women with bags & packages, men on phones - the usual duskal travelers on their journeys to chinese food and evenings with horatio on csi: miami. i made my way over to the river to get a glimpse and found myself walking by a couple outfitted in cotton jogging pants with patagonia jackets and headbands to match. our paces evened up soon enough, and we walked a bit together before they pulled off to the side so the lass could climb atop a bench to see the blood moon rising over that old bridge we have. the gent was trying in vain to snap some snaps with his celly. i blew some tufts out and pressed on, catching up with the older suspicious fellow in the dark trench. we walked under the birches together but then i peeled away and hustled through the park, past the guy pushing the cart of wine, past the work trailer on the side of the street (which i must say had a good centerfold from swank magazine tacked to the wood paneling on the inside) and past about 100 fat city dogs all in all squeezing out the remains of the day if you get my drift. it's freezing out. it's dusky and dark so it seems like people should be taking their dinners about now, but all you get when you stroll past the restaurants is the longing plaintive stares of bored waitresses and delivery dudes, some even eating their (immodest) shift meals. only in a few places do we have the few and the proud ordering dinner early. mostly there's just the happy hour crew and what seem to be the denizens of the recently laid-off trying to ameliorate their lack of self-worth with a couple of gimlets down at the wicked wolf. traffic's a cluster at this hour but i press on down to woody's to pick up a bottle of absolut and one of chardonnay in case the mood strikes. i felt a twinge of guilt at buying so early, but the young asian gal with the red herringbone and ipod who got a couple bottles as well alleviated a little of that. out of the store and on the way home i'm noticing more pedestrians with the slender black bags with gold writing. bottle shaped bags. like badges. smoke coming out of their mouths. that's smoke right? i'm freezing. i get home and the sushi arrives in 15. lawd love a vacation.


posted by scarnsworth at 11:31 PM

 
boxing day

here is a video i took of a man doing a little shadow boxing on the subway last night.


posted by scarnsworth at 10:25 AM

 
pod

hi dudes, what are some of your favorite podcasts? i need to add to my subscriptions. my current faves are kcrw's left, right & center (weekly), bbc's newspod (daily), and on the media (weekly). anyone have any others? also, i don't know about you, but i'm not really into "podcasts" which are basically audio recordings of television programs.
posted by scarnsworth at 2:55 PM

 
Best Quote of the Weekend

Is Libertarian some sort of hip code word for worthless drunk piece of shit?
posted by kenniebloggins at 10:38 PM

 

before you die, you see the eye!

hmog, the eye 2 is always on and i'm always watching it!! this movie is fucking great. please, for all you peeps out there who havent seen the eye 2, get thee to the nearest video store and check that shit out! it's got it all.
posted by scarnsworth at 5:46 PM

 
Week One OCeanchum Hall of Fame Update:
The panty counter is still at zero. Perhaps it doesn't work.
posted by kenniebloggins at 7:09 PM